Apr 13 2018American Voices4/13/18American Voices4/13/18Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey BuckinghamFleetwood Mac has fired Lindsey Buckingham after a disagreement over the band’s upcoming tour, opting to replace the…
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’WASHINGTON—Hoping to raise public awareness about a rare deep-space broadcasting phenomenon, the American…
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been AwkwardLONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional…
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading ControversyWASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such…
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To CrownBOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours…
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll MaceCOLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman…
Apr 13 2018Onion Magazine4/13/18Onion Magazine4/13/18This Child Would Have Turned 6 Today If His Mother Hadn't Given Birth To Him In October
Apr 13 2018News in Brief4/13/18News in Brief4/13/18Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of SkinNEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association…
Apr 13 2018News In Photos4/13/18News In Photos4/13/18Scott Pruitt Defends Use Of 1st Armored Division For Trip To Dry-Cleaner
Apr 13 2018American Voices4/13/18American Voices4/13/18Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To ShootA producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO…
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured FirstWASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing,…
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On SyriaWASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S.…
Apr 12 2018News In Photos4/12/18News In Photos4/12/18Bolton: ‘We Will Not Be Drawn Into A Lengthy Ground War In Syria—Although, Saying It Out Loud, That Sounds Incredible’
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking InRICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh…
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career,…
Apr 12 2018American Voices4/12/18American Voices4/12/18Paul Ryan Will Not Seek ReelectionSpeaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in…
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18Trump Boys Announce They Will Not Hesitate To Egg Russia If ProvokedWASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against…