May 4 2018American Voices5/4/18American Voices5/4/18Bloomberg Pledges $4.5 Million To Meet U.S. Commitment To Paris AccordAfter the president’s withdrawal from the climate pact, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged $4.5…
May 4 2018News in Brief5/4/18News in Brief5/4/18USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal WorkersMINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop star’s legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new…
May 4 2018News in Brief5/4/18News in Brief5/4/18Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On TrumpNEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel…
May 4 2018News In Photos5/4/18News In Photos5/4/18Cobweb-Covered Skeleton Gripping Senate Desk Expected To Seek 15th Term
May 4 2018News in Brief5/4/18News in Brief5/4/18New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining DisasterRAWL, WV—Extolling the variety of ways his past actions continue to benefit the hard-working people of West…
May 4 2018News In Photos5/4/18News In Photos5/4/18House Chaplain Delivers Soulful Prayer For God To Save Weak-Ass, Flip-Flopping Speakers Who Wound Up Looking Like Dipshits In Front Of Everyone
May 4 2018Photo Finish5/4/18Photo Finish5/4/18Report: It Unclear If Bar Patron Soccer Fan Or Just Waiting For Someone
May 4 2018News in Brief5/4/18News in Brief5/4/18Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of CompanyLOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake…
May 4 2018News in Brief5/4/18News in Brief5/4/18Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized BreathCARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted…
May 4 2018American Voices5/4/18American Voices5/4/18Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper PublishedStephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High…
May 3 2018News in Brief5/3/18News in Brief5/3/18Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments AgainNEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame…
May 3 2018News in Brief5/3/18News in Brief5/3/18Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEOCINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger…
May 3 2018American Voices5/3/18American Voices5/3/18Kanye West Says Slavery Was A ChoiceIn a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling…
May 3 2018News in Brief5/3/18News in Brief5/3/18Girls Scouts Announces They’ll Never Ever Let Gross Fucking Boys InNEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of…
May 3 2018Sports News In Brief5/3/18Sports News In Brief5/3/18White Sox Promotion Puts First 9 Fans At Ballpark In Starting LineupCHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago…
May 3 2018News in Brief5/3/18News in Brief5/3/18‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall GuyWASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film…
May 3 2018Photo Finish5/3/18Photo Finish5/3/18No Fucking Chance Kid Who Brought Mitt To 400 Level Getting Near Foul Ball
May 3 2018Infographic5/3/18Infographic5/3/18Pros And Cons Of Lowering The Voting AgeA recent upsurge in youth activism in the U.S. and other countries has led lawmakers to consider the proposal to…
May 3 2018News in Brief5/3/18News in Brief5/3/18Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On PantsHOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday…
May 3 2018American Voices5/3/18American Voices5/3/18Guitar Maker Gibson Files For BankruptcyLegendary guitar maker Gibson, whose brands include Les Paul and SG, filed for bankruptcy due to its $500 million…