After the president’s withdrawal from the climate pact, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged $4.5 million to meet America’s commitment to the Paris accord. What do you think?
MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop star’s legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative Prince-inspired postal workers Friday. “Our latest series of limited-edition postal workers highlights all of Prince’s legendary career, from his smoldering white-ruffled blouse…
NEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel Robert Mueller posed as a Fox News host Thursday to coax Rudy Giuliani into giving him a testimony on Trump. “Rudy, it’s always a pleasure to have you on ‘Mueller Tonight’—now, I wanted to really dig in…
RAWL, WV—Extolling the variety of ways his past actions continue to benefit the hard-working people of West Virginia, a new campaign ad from Senate hopeful Don Blankenship aired Friday touting the multitude of new jobs created in the wake of the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster. “I’m Don Blankenship, and I’m proud to…
LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an…
CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we…
Stephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, detailing the nature of the cosmos and the immediate consequence of the big bang. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame to ruin it for no good reason,” a mysterious man reportedly approached Rudy Giuliani in a parking lot Thursday, strongly implying that he should never speak publically concerning Trump’s legal payments…
CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat,…
In a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling his interviewer, “when you hear about slavery for 400 years...for 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” What do you think?
NEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such,…
CHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago White Sox announced a new promotion Thursday that puts the first nine fans arriving at the ballpark in the starting lineup. “Starting next week, we will bring down several lucky fans for a…
WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I…
A recent upsurge in youth activism in the U.S. and other countries has led lawmakers to consider the proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 16, but many people are against extending the vote to even younger people. The Onion presents the pros and cons of lowering the voting age.
HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing…
Legendary guitar maker Gibson, whose brands include Les Paul and SG, filed for bankruptcy due to its $500 million debt in the hopes of refocusing on its core guitar-making business. What do you think?
