Trump Announces North Korea Summit Will Be In Singapore
President Donald Trump announced he will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on June 12. What do you think?
Americans Get Ready For Mother’s Day
Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?
Alcoholic Parent Easy To Shop For
SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just…
Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon
NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received…
AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else
DALLAS—Acknowledging the company had made a serious error in its efforts to curry favor with the president, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson reportedly admitted Friday that he regretted hiring Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to help its merger with Time Warner go through instead of just dropping a ton of cash off…
Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…
‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall
BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…
Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet
CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and…
NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…
Christiane Amanpour To Replace Charlie Rose On PBS
Following numerous sexual-misconduct allegations against Charlies Rose, PBS announced Christiane Amanpour will launch her new hour-long public affairs program Amanpour & Company. What do you think?
‘ASS’ Finally Inducted Into Video Game Hall Of Fame
ROCHESTER, NY—Honoring their performance and consistency in regularly appearing up and down the high-score screen for decades, the World Video Game Hall Of Fame formally inducted “ASS” into its hallowed collection in a gala ceremony Friday. “After years of being overlooked for outstanding contributions to gaming in…
New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart
CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart.…
Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern
DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier’s plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. “After surveying the damage at the factory, we’ve…
North Korean Prisoners Temporarily Put Into American Detention Camp To Help Ease Shock Of Return
PENNINGTON GAP, VA—Taking pains to ensure the returning citizens feel as normal as possible, government representatives confirmed Thursday that the Americans recently freed from North Korean prison will be put into U.S. detention camps to help ease the shock of their return to Western society. “In light of the months…
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