Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon

NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received…

AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else

DALLAS—Acknowledging the company had made a serious error in its efforts to curry favor with the president, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson reportedly admitted Friday that he regretted hiring Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to help its merger with Time Warner go through instead of just dropping a ton of cash off…

Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…

‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…

Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet

CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and…

Advertisement