Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal

LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…

Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library 

ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Library’s bulletin board. “Do these bullshitters really expect me to…

L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…

‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant

WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!” while on the phone Thursday with an employee of a local Chinese food restaurant. “If you don’t…

Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof

DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot gap, and scale the wall to see the view from his apartment roof. “You won’t believe how great it looks up there guys,…

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