Washed-Up Former Spelling Bee Champion Sitting In Front Of TV Sadly Mouthing Along With Scripps Contestants

DAYTON, OH—Grumbling in quiet disbelief as he watched a 12-year-old struggle through the third syllable of “molluscivorous,” former Scripps Spelling Bee champion Alex Vinay spent Thursday afternoon sitting in front of the TV and mouthing bitterly along with current Scripps contestants. “Come on, seriously? It’s so…

White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo

WASHINGTON—Eyes widening in terror as she scrolled through the day’s images, chief official White House photographer Shealah Craighead became increasingly disturbed Thursday after discovering a faint, ghostly image of Melania Trump in the background of every photo she had taken. “I swear the State Dining Room was…

ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child

PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for…

David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…