Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out
NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket,…
Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a…
Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe
CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking…
25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time
PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social…
Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain
WASHINGTON—Frustrated by what she called “obvious misconceptions” related to the Trump administration’s detention of…
Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris
PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a…
Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends
A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends,…
France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally
EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and…
Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company
PALO ALTO, CA—Expressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government’s unfair treatment of their favorite online…
Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most…
Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar
JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father…
Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel
Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing…
Report: Make It Stop
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed…
Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva…
Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial
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