Eric Trump Aims Laser Pointer At Don Jr. While Flicking Lights On And Off To Erase Memory Of Russia Meeting

WASHINGTON—In response to resurfacing allegations that cast doubt on his brother’s version of the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, Eric Trump aimed a laser pointer at Donald Jr. Friday while rapidly flicking a light switch up and down in order to erase all his memories of the incident. “Come on, Don, keep your eyes super…

10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…

World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance

PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet’s surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter’s surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an…

Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress

MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless…

Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever…

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