Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech
On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered…
Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass Wedding
KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not…
Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel Standards
The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration,…
Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines
PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden…
Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing
VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital…
Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This Article
CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The…
White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes
WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her…
Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial
ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war…
Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity
Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity…
Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay Couple
ATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old…
The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’
The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The…
‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People
In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press…
Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own Selfie
The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque…
Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’
VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis…