On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…
The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?
PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a…
VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…
CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The Big Lebowski, sources confirmed Friday that a very special guest was rumored to appear later on in this article. This will reportedly mark the Hollywood legend’s first-ever foray into this paragraph,…
WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm…
ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial. “Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my…
Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure the government gathers more robust data about LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?
ATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old Christian who frequently films explicit amateur videos for his clients, confirmed Friday he had denied service to a gay male couple that wished to hire him to direct their sex tape. “I’ve been in this…
The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.
In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely…
The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque who took a viral selfie, cannot sue for the copyright to its own photo. What do you think?
VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…
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