Aug 4 2018Graphical Feature8/4/18Graphical Feature8/4/18Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance SpeechOn Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and…
Aug 4 2018News in Brief8/4/18News in Brief8/4/18Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass WeddingKANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not…
Aug 3 2018News In Photos8/3/18News In Photos8/3/18The National Annoyed After Getting Stuck Performing On Nosebleed Lollapalooza Stage
Aug 3 2018American Voices8/3/18American Voices8/3/18Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel StandardsThe White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration,…
Aug 3 2018News In Photos8/3/18News In Photos8/3/18Report: Takeout Place Put Burrito In Completely Different Container This Time
Aug 3 2018News in Brief8/3/18News in Brief8/3/18Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely ClementinesPASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new…
Aug 3 2018VideoOnion Info Clips8/3/18 VideoOnion Info Clips8/3/18Most Anticipated Acts At Lollapalooza 2018
Aug 3 2018News in Brief8/3/18News in Brief8/3/18Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 StabbingVATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital…
Aug 3 2018News in Brief8/3/18News in Brief8/3/18Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This ArticleCHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and Th…
Aug 3 2018News in Brief8/3/18News in Brief8/3/18Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud TrialALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war…
Aug 3 2018American Voices8/3/18American Voices8/3/18Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender IdentityDemocrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender…
Aug 3 2018News in Brief8/3/18News in Brief8/3/18Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay CoupleATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old…
Aug 3 2018Infographic8/3/18Infographic8/3/18The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. …
Aug 3 2018VideoThe Morning Sweat8/3/18 VideoThe Morning Sweat8/3/18Will New NFL Player Safety Rules Ruin Football Injuries?
Aug 3 2018News In Photos8/3/18News In Photos8/3/18Interminable Nightmare Of Buying Wrong Toilet Paper In Bulk Nearly Over
Aug 2 2018Commentary8/2/18Commentary8/2/18‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The PeopleIn recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his…
Aug 2 2018American Voices8/2/18American Voices8/2/18Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own SelfieThe Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi…
Aug 2 2018News In Photos8/2/18News In Photos8/2/18Apple Becomes First American Company That Should Have Paid Trillion Dollars In Taxes
Aug 2 2018News in Brief8/2/18News in Brief8/2/18Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis…