U.S. officials have deported a 95-year-old former Nazi labor camp guard named Jakiw Palij back to Germany for his role in “Operation Reinhard,” the plan to murder two million Jews living in Poland. What do you think?
Low-carb diets, such as Atkins, are linked to an early death, according to a recent U.S. study, which noted that moderate carb intake is healthier. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply…
EAGLE BEACH, ARUBA—As part of Barack Obama’s exclusive deal to produce original content for the streaming service, Netflix announced Friday that production has finished on Barack Of Love, a reality series in which 24 young women vie for the heart of the former president.
PHOENIX—Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. “For years, we’ve wondered exactly how much fun we drain from baseball, but finally, by…
Escape rooms, where a group works together to free themselves from a room by solving puzzles and riddles, have become an increasingly popular activity among young people. The Onion offers the best strategy tips for winning an escape room.
KNOXVILLE, TN—In what many experts are hailing as a game changer in the field of renewable energy, scientists from the University of Tennessee unveiled Friday a 10-story-tall, 800,000-ton potato capable of powering an entire city. “Our tests have demonstrated this single potato can generate more than 3.5 gigawatts of…
WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…
WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California…
WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual…
LOS ALAMOS, NM—Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they…
The Trump administration’s new rules rolling back restrictions on coal emissions admit that they may cause 1,400 more premature deaths per year and will likely increase cases of asthma. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…
