Vol 54 Issue 34 - America's Finest News Source | The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Vol 54 Issue 34

Oct 24 2018

News in Brief10/24/18

Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive<em></em>

News in Brief10/24/18

Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive

Oct 23 2018

American Voices10/23/18

Video Footage Shows Khashoggi Body Double Exiting Consulate<em></em>

American Voices10/23/18

Video Footage Shows Khashoggi Body Double Exiting Consulate

Aug 25 2018

American Voices8/25/18

Alleged Nazi War Criminal Deported Back To Germany<em></em>

American Voices8/25/18

Alleged Nazi War Criminal Deported Back To Germany

Aug 24 2018

American Voices8/24/18

Low-Carb Diet Linked To Dying Young<em></em>

American Voices8/24/18

Low-Carb Diet Linked To Dying Young

Aug 24 2018

News In Photos8/24/18

John McCain Requests Ashes Be Launched Into Iraq<em></em>

News In Photos8/24/18

John McCain Requests Ashes Be Launched Into Iraq

Aug 24 2018

News in Brief8/24/18

GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor<em></em>

News in Brief8/24/18

GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor

Aug 24 2018

News In Photos8/24/18

Meghan McCain Forced To Live Out Socialist Nightmare Of Empathy For Sick Person<em></em>

News In Photos8/24/18

Meghan McCain Forced To Live Out Socialist Nightmare Of Empathy For Sick Person

Aug 24 2018

News In Photos8/24/18

Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond<em></em>

News In Photos8/24/18

Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond

Aug 24 2018

Obama Finishes Production On New Netflix Reality Series Where 24 Young Women Vie For Heart Of Former President<em></em>

Obama Finishes Production On New Netflix Reality Series Where 24 Young Women Vie For Heart Of Former President

Aug 24 2018

News In Photos8/24/18

Sessions Argues Justice Department Will Not Be Swayed By Political Considerations Outside Private Prison Lobbyists, Wall Street Donors, Anti-LGBT Christian Activists<em></em>

News In Photos8/24/18

Sessions Argues Justice Department Will Not Be Swayed By Political Considerations Outside Private Prison Lobbyists, Wall Street Donors, Anti-LGBT Christian Activists

Aug 24 2018

News In Photos8/24/18

Inconsiderate Passenger Takes Up Entire Overhead Bin<em></em>

News In Photos8/24/18

Inconsiderate Passenger Takes Up Entire Overhead Bin

Aug 24 2018

Sports News In Brief8/24/18

Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game<em></em>

Sports News In Brief8/24/18

Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game

Aug 24 2018

Infographic8/24/18

Tips For Winning Escape Rooms<em></em>

Infographic8/24/18

Tips For Winning Escape Rooms

Aug 24 2018

News in Brief8/24/18

Green Energy Scientists Unveil 800,000-Ton Potato Capable Of Powering Entire City<em></em>

News in Brief8/24/18

Green Energy Scientists Unveil 800,000-Ton Potato Capable Of Powering Entire City

Aug 24 2018

VideoThe Morning Sweat8/24/18

Does Jimmy Garoppolo Have What It Takes To Start His Own Sham Fitness And Diet Program?<em></em>

VideoThe Morning Sweat8/24/18

Does Jimmy Garoppolo Have What It Takes To Start His Own Sham Fitness And Diet Program?

Aug 24 2018

News in Brief8/24/18

Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day<em></em>

News in Brief8/24/18

Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day

Aug 23 2018

News in Brief8/23/18

GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank

News in Brief8/23/18

GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank

Aug 23 2018

News in Brief8/23/18

American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’<em></em>

News in Brief8/23/18

American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’

Aug 23 2018

News in Brief8/23/18

Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything<em></em>

News in Brief8/23/18

Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything

Aug 23 2018

American Voices8/23/18

EPA’s New Coal Rule Could Cause 1,400 More Deaths Per Year<em></em>

American Voices8/23/18

EPA’s New Coal Rule Could Cause 1,400 More Deaths Per Year

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