Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game

PHOENIX—Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. “For years, we’ve wondered exactly how much fun we drain from baseball, but finally, by…

Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day

WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…

American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’

WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual

Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they…

Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…