MTA Official Too Nervous To Tell Commuters Waiting For Train That Service Shut Down Permanently An Hour Ago

NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to…

Deformed, Half-Feathered Audubon Society President Flees Into Forest After Injecting Self With Bird DNA

NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards…

‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever

Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase within the Trump White House, this essay offers an invaluable high-level perspective into the administration’s inner workings. Due to the sensitive nature of this op-ed, revealing the identities of…

Woman Would Have Had Awesome Time Aborting Fetus If It Weren’t For Angry Protestors Screaming Outside Clinic

MILWAUKEE, WI—Disappointed at the outcome of the event she’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks, local woman Hannah Kaperski told reporters Thursday that she would have had an awesome time terminating her unwanted pregnancy if it weren’t for the angry protestors screaming outside the clinic. “It’s just such a bummer—you…

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