Report: This Week’s All Fucking Hell Breaking Loose Projected To Be 30% More Insane Than Last Week’s Complete Shitshow

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the “you aren’t going to fucking believe this” metrics were currently measuring off the goddamn charts, experts at the Center for Advanced Bullshit Studies published a report Monday that this week’s all hell breaking loose was projected to be 30 percent more insane than last week’s complete…

Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose

BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…

Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder

WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…

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