Oct 5 2018American Voices10/5/18American Voices10/5/18Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring ConfederacyAtlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and…
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With AnotherCHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their…
Oct 5 2018American Voices10/5/18American Voices10/5/18U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against IranThe United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and…
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks AgoWASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne…
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh…
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert MuellerWASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke…
Oct 5 2018VideoThe Morning Sweat10/5/18 VideoThe Morning Sweat10/5/18Should The Houston Texans Change Their Crude, Offensive Nickname?
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A ForgeryNEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s…
Oct 5 2018Onion Magazine10/5/18Onion Magazine10/5/18This Is Angela, She’ll Be Training With Us For This Issue
Oct 5 2018News in Brief10/5/18News in Brief10/5/18Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing…
Oct 5 2018News In Photos10/5/18News In Photos10/5/18High School Kicker Finds It Helpful To Imagine Football As Object That Needs To Be Kicked Through Goal Posts In Order To Gain Points
Oct 4 2018News in Brief10/4/18News in Brief10/4/18Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement AwardLOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme…
Oct 4 2018American Voices10/4/18American Voices10/4/18Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His FatherA New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real…
Oct 4 2018News in Brief10/4/18News in Brief10/4/18Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh ReportWASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket,…
Oct 4 2018Infographic10/4/18Infographic10/4/18Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace PrizeThere are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on…
Oct 4 2018VideoThe Morning Sweat10/4/18 VideoThe Morning Sweat10/4/18Let’s Avoid The Brett Favre Comparisons Until Patrick Mahomes Can Consistently Send Dick Pics To Reporters
Oct 4 2018News in Brief10/4/18News in Brief10/4/18World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through GymnasiumSTOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their…
Oct 4 2018News in Brief10/4/18News in Brief10/4/18Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting TourWASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard…
Oct 4 2018American Voices10/4/18American Voices10/4/18Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about…