Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring Confederacy
Atlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and…
Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With Another
CHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their…
U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against Iran
The United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and civil…
Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago
WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein…
Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man
WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh…
Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller
WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday…
Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery
NEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s exterior,…
Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’
ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing…
Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award
LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of…
Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father
A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real…
Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report
WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator…
Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize
There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on…
World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium
STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their…
Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour
WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard…
Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’
At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about…