City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers

NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its…

Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…

Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve…

‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…

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