Joe Buck Tears Rotator Cuff After Awkward Throw Down To Sideline
DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw…
NFL Defends Right To Subject Eric Reid To Random Stop-And-Frisks
CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who…
Charity Notes Even One Dollar Can Help A Needy Child But You’d Have To Be A Dick To Give That Little
LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation…
Apple Will Build $1 Billion Campus In Austin, Adding 5,000 Jobs
Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have…
Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think
WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get…
Pros And Cons Of Making New Year’s Resolutions
While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to…
Exhausted Robert Mueller Turns Off Phone To Give Himself Breather From Russia Probe News Over Holiday Break
WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election,…
Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice Time
CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph…
Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the…
Poll: Most Americans Oppose Increased Political Correctness
In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most…
Radiohead, Janet Jackson Inducted Into Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will induct a 2019 class including Radiohead, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, The…
Mental Health Experts Say Friends Giving Away Possessions Could Be Warning Sign They Planning On Moving
BOSTON—In an effort to educate Americans on the common warning signs, mental health experts at Boston University issued…
Emotional El Chapo Reunited With Family Following Passage Of Criminal Justice Reform Bill
NEW YORK—Growing visibly emotional as he expressed gratitude to legislators for their boldness and compassion, Mexican…
Federal Reserve Cites Healthy Economy In Decision To Have Baby
WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a…