Vol 55 Issue 21 - America's Finest News Source | The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Vol 55 Issue 21

May 24 2019

News in Brief5/24/19

Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

News in Brief5/24/19

Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

May 24 2019

American Voices5/24/19

Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album

American Voices5/24/19

Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album

May 24 2019

News in Brief5/24/19

ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago

News in Brief5/24/19

ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago

May 24 2019

Video5 Things5/24/19

5 Things To Know About The 2019 Measles Outbreak

Video5 Things5/24/19

5 Things To Know About The 2019 Measles Outbreak

May 24 2019

News in Brief5/24/19

Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter

News in Brief5/24/19

Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter

May 24 2019

American Voices5/24/19

McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu

American Voices5/24/19

McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu

May 24 2019

Sports News In Brief5/24/19

Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill

Sports News In Brief5/24/19

Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill

May 24 2019

Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed

Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed

May 24 2019

News in Brief5/24/19

Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day

News in Brief5/24/19

Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day

May 24 2019

Sports News In Brief5/24/19

Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism

Sports News In Brief5/24/19

Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism

May 24 2019

News In Photos5/24/19

New Employee Confused By Office Espresso Machine Just Returns To Desk With Mug Of Hot Water

News In Photos5/24/19

New Employee Confused By Office Espresso Machine Just Returns To Desk With Mug Of Hot Water

May 23 2019

Photo Finish5/23/19

NBA Requests Fans Sitting Courtside Not Release Derivative Albums

Photo Finish5/23/19

NBA Requests Fans Sitting Courtside Not Release Derivative Albums

May 23 2019

American Voices5/23/19

Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service

American Voices5/23/19

Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service

May 23 2019

News in Brief5/23/19

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years

News in Brief5/23/19

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years

May 23 2019

News in Brief5/23/19

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence

News in Brief5/23/19

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence

May 23 2019

News in Brief5/23/19

Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman

News in Brief5/23/19

Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman

May 23 2019

News in Brief5/23/19

Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve

News in Brief5/23/19

Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve

May 23 2019

News in Brief5/23/19

Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death

News in Brief5/23/19

Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death

May 23 2019

American Voices5/23/19

Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train

American Voices5/23/19

Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train

May 23 2019

News In Photos5/23/19

India Continues Surge Towards Status As First World Nation By Reelecting Racist, Right-Wing Authoritarian

News In Photos5/23/19

India Continues Surge Towards Status As First World Nation By Reelecting Racist, Right-Wing Authoritarian

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