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News in Brief5/24/19

Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

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Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album

ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago

5 Things To Know About The 2019 Measles Outbreak

Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter

McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu

Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill

Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed

Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day

Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism

New Employee Confused By Office Espresso Machine Just Returns To Desk With Mug Of Hot Water

NBA Requests Fans Sitting Courtside Not Release Derivative Albums

Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence

Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman

Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve

Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death

Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train

India Continues Surge Towards Status As First World Nation By Reelecting Racist, Right-Wing Authoritarian

Pete Buttigieg Tries Appealing To Moderate Boomers By Announcing He Doesn’t Agree With His Choice To Be Gay But Respects His Decis...

Wings And A Pair

‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive!’ Shouts Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories

Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It

Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album

ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago

5 Things To Know About The 2019 Measles Outbreak

Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter

McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu

Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill

Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed

Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day

Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism

New Employee Confused By Office Espresso Machine Just Returns To Desk With Mug Of Hot Water

NBA Requests Fans Sitting Courtside Not Release Derivative Albums

Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service

Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years

Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence

Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman

Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve

Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death

Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train

India Continues Surge Towards Status As First World Nation By Reelecting Racist, Right-Wing Authoritarian