Aug 23 2019News in Brief8/23/19News in Brief8/23/19Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s BodyWICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s…
Aug 23 2019News In Photos8/23/19News In Photos8/23/19Every Ingredient In Recipe Substituted To Avoid Trip To Store
Aug 23 2019American Voices8/23/19American Voices8/23/19Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate PlanDemocratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16…
Aug 23 2019News in Brief8/23/19News in Brief8/23/19David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy TrinityTHE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources…
Aug 23 2019Infographic8/23/19Infographic8/23/19Impact Of The Massive Fires In The Amazon RainforestMassive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about…
Aug 23 2019News in Brief8/23/19News in Brief8/23/19Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The PavementANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest…
Aug 23 2019Sports News In Brief8/23/19Sports News In Brief8/23/19Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every SummerSOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told…
Aug 23 2019News in Brief8/23/19News in Brief8/23/19Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-RoundMISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed…
Aug 23 2019Sports News In Brief8/23/19Sports News In Brief8/23/19Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season FinaleNAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders…
Aug 23 2019Infographic8/23/19Infographic8/23/19Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious InstitutionsIssuing tax exemptions to religious institutions has long been a practice of the secular U.S. government, but…
Aug 23 2019News in Brief8/23/19News in Brief8/23/19Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A WerewolfALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught…
Aug 23 2019American Voices8/23/19American Voices8/23/19Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For RecessionA poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially…
Aug 22 2019News in Brief8/22/19News in Brief8/22/19Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon RainforestBRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government…
Aug 22 2019Photo Finish8/22/19Photo Finish8/22/19Derek Jeter Just Going To Go Ahead And Count Stray Cats In Marlins Attendance Figure
Aug 22 2019News in Brief8/22/19News in Brief8/22/19Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s BeautifulSMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President…
Aug 22 2019News in Brief8/22/19News in Brief8/22/19‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic OakSEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor…
Aug 22 2019American Voices8/22/19American Voices8/22/19New Trump Policy Would Permit Indefinite Detention Of Migrant FamiliesThe Trump administration has announced it is ending a federal court agreement that limits detainment of migrant…
Aug 22 2019News in Brief8/22/19News in Brief8/22/19Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been FilmedWASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a…