Jul 4Slideshow7/4/20Slideshow7/4/20The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks SpectacularOh, wow, look at that!
Jul 4News in Brief7/4/20News in Brief7/4/20Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet UnfulfilledNORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local…
Jul 4News in Brief7/4/20News in Brief7/4/20Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd ControlNEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police…
Jul 3Infographic7/3/20Infographic7/3/20Sleep: Myth Vs. FactWhen it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and…
Jul 3Onion Magazine7/3/20Onion Magazine7/3/20Does Anyone Want To Play A Few Rounds Of Command & Conquer: Red Alert Against Us?From The Archive, 1996
Jul 3News in Brief7/3/20News in Brief7/3/20‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own RelationshipTUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and…
Jul 3News In Photos7/3/20News In Photos7/3/20Lit-Up Empire State Building Covered In Thick Layer Of Moths
Jul 3Onion Magazine7/3/20Onion Magazine7/3/20REDACTED: We Tried To Publish A Bunch Of State Secrets And It Didn’t Work Out At All
Jul 2News In Photos7/2/20News In Photos7/2/20Dad Speaks For First Time In 7 Years To Ask If Anyone Has Seen Tape Measure
Jul 2News In Photos7/2/20News In Photos7/2/20Google Alert For Old Classmate Pays Off Big Time With Story Of Double Homicide
Jul 2News in Brief7/2/20News in Brief7/2/20Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List CelebrityBOULDER, CO—Providing groundbreaking new insight into human sexuality, a study published Thursday by researchers at…
Jul 2News in Brief7/2/20News in Brief7/2/20So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s DrunkDENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights…
Jul 1News7/1/20News7/1/20Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural LandmarkGamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We…
Jul 1News in Brief7/1/20News in Brief7/1/20Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal PrisonCLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime…
Jul 1News in Brief7/1/20News in Brief7/1/20Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He ReadyRALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically…
Jun 30Infographic6/30/20Infographic6/30/20Best Recipe BlogsBlogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to…
Jun 30News in Brief6/30/20News in Brief6/30/20Friends Itching To Destroy Man Excitedly Sharing Factoid That Actually Common Knowledge
Jun 30News in Brief6/30/20News in Brief6/30/20God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s WifeTHE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father,…
Jun 30News in Brief6/30/20News in Brief6/30/20CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson FamilyNEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional…