Jan 8News in Brief1/8/21News in Brief1/8/21Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public EducationWASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos…
Jan 8News In Photos1/8/21News In Photos1/8/21House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed
Jan 8Infographic1/8/21Infographic1/8/21How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A PandemicJanuary is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the…
Jan 8News in Brief1/8/21News in Brief1/8/21Scrambling Democrats Rush To Begin Impeachment Hearings By AprilWASHINGTON—In response to calls for urgent action against the president following the storming of the Capitol by an…
Jan 8News in Brief1/8/21News in Brief1/8/21Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino CalfWASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields,…
Jan 8News in Brief1/8/21News in Brief1/8/21Pro-Trump Rioter Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Looted Devin NunesREADING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local…
Jan 8News in Brief1/8/21News in Brief1/8/21Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On CapitolMEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter…
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media BanWASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and…
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media PraiseWASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham …
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21Josh Hawley Condemns Pro-Trump Rioters For Upstaging His Own TheatricsWASHINGTON—Calling the mob’s timing “absolutely unacceptable,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) condemned pro-Trump rioters…
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To SquanderWASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear, Democratic Party leadership…
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21North Korea Holds Quiet, Low-Key Nuclear Test Just For SelfPYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Referring to the event as a simple, no-frills detonation among close friends, state officials…
Jan 7News in Brief1/7/21News in Brief1/7/21Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump RiotersWASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the…
Jan 6News in Brief1/6/21News in Brief1/6/21Trump Supporter Excited To Finally Disengage With Politics After Government Overthrow FinishedLAKEWAY, TX—Noting how long it had been since he had really gotten to relax and unplug, local Trump supporter Brian…
Jan 6News in Brief1/6/21News in Brief1/6/21Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less HecticWASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would attend to his news in due course, the nation told Canadian…
Jan 6News In Photos1/6/21News In Photos1/6/21D.C. Police Lose Control Of Rioting Trump Supporters After Hundreds Of Officers Called Away To Deal With Black Jaywalker
Jan 6News in Brief1/6/21News in Brief1/6/21Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out SunWASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly…
Jan 6Infographic1/6/21Infographic1/6/21Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being DelayedThe coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine…