Election Experts Warn Maine’s Voting System Leads To Greater Risk Of Getting Finger Pinched By Live Lobster Stuffed Into Ballot Box

AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by…

Report: Russia Managed To Penetrate Voter Databases In Order To Ensure Election Was Fair And Free Like The Loyal Allies They Are

ARLINGTON, VA—The Department of Homeland Security released a report Thursday confirming that Russia had in fact penetrated U.S. voter databases in order to ensure the 2016 general election was fair and free, just like the loyal allies they are. “After an exhaustive, months-long investigation, we have discovered…

Nation’s Women Fantasize About Some Future Election That Isn’t Absolutely Pivotal To Their Well-Being

WASHINGTON—Saying it’s nice sometimes to let their imaginations run wild, the nation’s female voters told reporters Tuesday they have been fantasizing a lot lately about some far-off presidential election in the future that is not absolutely crucial to their well-being. “It would be really nice if, someday, my basic…

Confounded Pollsters Admit There No Way Of Predicting Mercurial Behaviors Of Beguiling Female Vote

ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying the lack of conclusive data from the demographic group had only piqued their interest further, officials at Rasmussen Reports admitted Tuesday that, despite their best efforts, they were no closer to being able to predict the mercurial behaviors of the nation’s beguiling female vote. “Based on…

Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act

WASHINGTON—Spanning nearly half of a city block as they rallied to support the freedoms of unscrupulous citizens, the nation’s 30 fraudulent voters reportedly marched on Washington, D.C. Sunday to restore the Voting Rights Act. “It is crucial for our great nation to protect the rights of every single citizen who wants…

First-Time Voter Will Always Remember Day He Cast Ballot For Nick Barborak

LISBON, OH—Excited to finally participate in the democratic process, area voter Jacob Armstrong told reporters Tuesday that he will always remember casting his very first ballot for state representative Nick Barborak. “I’ve got many elections ahead of me, but my vote for Nick Barborak’s definitely going to stand out…