Oct 1News in Brief10/1/20News in Brief10/1/20Festive Corn Maze Misread By Aliens As Declaration Of Intergalactic WarSHAKOPEE, MN—Having spotted from a distance of many light years the elaborate series of twists and turns cut into a…
Jan 27 2020News in Brief1/27/20News in Brief1/27/20Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating…
Sep 19 2019News in Brief9/19/19News in Brief9/19/19Pompeo To Increase Bombing In Afghanistan After Figuring They’ll Miss And Hit Iran At Some PointWASHINGTON—Explaining how human error or inaccuracy of the weaponry should eventually produce the desired result,…
Jun 24 2019News in Brief6/24/19News in Brief6/24/19John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear CapabilitiesWASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued…
Jun 20 2019News in Brief6/20/19News in Brief6/20/19Bolton Argues War With Iran Only Way To Avenge Americans Killed In Upcoming War With IranWASHINGTON—Addressing the future casualties in a somber and often-emotional press conference, John Bolton told…
Jun 17 2019News6/17/19News6/17/19White House Hires Top Hollywood Agent To Pitch Action-Packed, High-Concept War With Iran To American PublicLOS ANGELES—As part of their effort to sell an armed conflict that would be far bigger and more dramatic than…
May 15 2019News In Photos5/15/19News In Photos5/15/19Report: It Not Good Time For Long, Devastating War For Iran, Either
Feb 19 2019News In Photos2/19/19News In Photos2/19/19Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended
Feb 14 2019News in Brief2/14/19News in Brief2/14/19Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing ItWASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time,…
Nov 29 2018News in Brief11/29/18News in Brief11/29/18Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon ExecutivesWASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of…
Oct 15 2018News10/15/18News10/15/18Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf WarCAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local…
Jul 23 2018News In Photos7/23/18News In Photos7/23/18Trump Warns Iran That U.S. Won’t Tolerate Widespread Suffering In Any Country Besides America
Jun 15 2018News in Brief6/15/18News in Brief6/15/18Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North KoreaWALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands,…
Apr 16 2018News in Brief4/16/18News in Brief4/16/18U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria ConflictWASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources…
Apr 12 2018News in Brief4/12/18News in Brief4/12/18‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On SyriaWASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S.…
Apr 12 2018News In Photos4/12/18News In Photos4/12/18Bolton: ‘We Will Not Be Drawn Into A Lengthy Ground War In Syria—Although, Saying It Out Loud, That Sounds Incredible’
Mar 23 2018News3/23/18News3/23/18U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic BattleARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth…
Feb 16 2018News2/16/18News2/16/18Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of WarWALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor…
Oct 23 2017News in Brief10/23/17News in Brief10/23/17Trump Called Up For Vietnam Service After Last Of Draft Deferments ExpiresWASHINGTON—Confirming that the 71-year-old had officially been determined fit to carry out his duty, officials from…
Oct 19 2017News in Brief10/19/17News in Brief10/19/17‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen SoldierWASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources…