‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria

WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…

‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier

WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the…

Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’

FORT MYER, VA—Calling the war in Afghanistan the nation’s highest priority until he decides at some point that it is actually trade with China or illegal border crossings, President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U.S. was committed to fighting insurgents in the region until an unconditional…

Trump Claims Waterboarding Doesn’t Come Close To The Excruciating Torment He Experiences At Every Moment

WASHINGTON—Dismissing concerns that the controversial interrogation method constituted torture, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that waterboarding does not even come close to the excruciating torment he himself experiences at every waking moment. “Prisoners who are forced to endure a few hours of…