Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It
WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time,…
Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives
WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of…
Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War
CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local…
Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North Korea
WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense…
U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict
WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources…
‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria
WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S.…
U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth…
Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War
WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor…
Trump Called Up For Vietnam Service After Last Of Draft Deferments Expires
WASHINGTON—Confirming that the 71-year-old had officially been determined fit to carry out his duty, officials from the…
‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier
WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed…
Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die
WASHINGTON—In an effort to alleviate her sorrow after the tragic event, President Donald Trump reportedly comforted the…
Soldier Excited To Take Over Father’s Old Afghanistan Patrol Route
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Saying he “never could have imagined” he would have the opportunity to follow directly in his father’s…
Trump Vows To Leave A Better Afghanistan For Nation’s Grandchildren To Fight In
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the United States owed nothing less to future generations, President Trump vowed during a…
Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’
FORT MYER, VA—Calling the war in Afghanistan the nation’s highest priority until he decides at some point that it is…
Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens…