CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of bewildered shoppers inside a local Safeway.
President Obama compared his second term to the TV show "Homeland," promising fans more twists, more action, and a storyline "that will blow your mind."
At a loss to explain Mitt Romney's defeat, conservative billionaires are putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of money.
Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.
WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election.
WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S. military invasion of the Islamic Republic of Iran is currently underway. “At this hour, we have deployed approximately 200,000 troops across the Iran-Iraq border as part of a multipronged…
Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.
GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual encounters with various female candidates as he read through the names listed on his ballot. “Banged her, fucked her, boned the shit out of…
How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.
Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.
COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door visits to homes of registered Democrats on Monday to personally let them know that the president had died. “This is very difficult to say, but yeah, Barack Obama actually died…
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render the environment unfit for human habitation would put more Americans back to work. “On one hand, President Obama has proved his commitment to creating…
America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.
Full Report at 2 p.m. EDT/1 p.m. CDT
WASHINGTON—With only a week remaining in the 2012 presidential campaign, the one-third of Americans adults who identify as members of the lower class announced they are still waiting for the first meaningful mention of themselves by either of the major-party candidates. “I’ve heard a lot about how the middle class is…
Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.
DAYTON, OH—Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he is terrified of what will happen to him if he ever stops campaigning for the highest office in the land, sources confirmed Friday.
Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.
No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities to be disenfranchised.