Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Blows Hand Off During CPAC Speech
NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings
FAIRFAX, VA—In the aftermath of a shooting in Las Vegas that left at least 58 people dead and more than 500 wounded, National Rifle Association officials said Monday that mass shootings are just the unfortunate price of protecting people’s freedom to commit mass shootings. “What happened in Las Vegas is a horrific…
Concerned NRA Official Rushes Out To Purchase Congressman Following Mass Shooting
WASHINGTON—Admitting he felt “scared and nervous” after the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at an Orlando, FL nightclub, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre reportedly rushed out of his home early Monday to buy a congressman. “When I saw what happened in Orlando, I wanted to make sure that I was able…
NRA Visits Colorado Police Evidence Room To Check Up On Rifle Used In Planned Parenthood Shooting
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—After learning that the gun had been involved in a violent attack that left three dead, National Rifle Association representatives reportedly visited the Colorado Springs Police Department evidence room Monday to check up on the semi-automatic rifle used in Friday’s Planned Parenthood shooting.…
I Won
I won.
Unstable Man Plots To Bring Guns To Schools
FAIRFAX, VA—According to sources, local man Wayne LaPierre, an individual with a long history of unstable and dangerous behavior, revealed a detailed plot this week to bring semiautomatic weapons into schools. The disturbed man has reportedly been carefully planning this plot for months and has published numerous…
Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks
WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks. “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, this poor man…
When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End?
We live in a great country. Between our democratic values, constitutional freedoms, and rich traditions, Americans enjoy immense privileges and benefits that allow us to enjoy the highest standard of living in the world. But, my friends, there is one area where I would like to say “Enough is enough.” For all our pride…
Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point
FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on a vicious, indiscriminate skewering rampage through the greater Fairfax area this morning. “As you can see, the question of what object a mentally ill person uses to harm…
Frustrated Wayne LaPierre Thought Murder Of 20 Children By Crazed Gunman Would Have Blown Over By Now
FAIRFAX, VA—More than three weeks after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, annoyed NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters Monday that while he understands the seriousness of the tragedy, he had only assumed the senseless murder of 20 first-graders and six educators by a mentally unstable gunman…
NRA: 'Please Try To Remember All The Wonderful Things Guns Do For Us Every Day'
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of last evening’s horrific shooting that killed 12 in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, representatives from the National Rifle Association asked all Americans to please try, in this moment of sadness and grief, to remember the myriad great and indispensable things that guns do for us every…
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything
‘Yeah, Something Like 1,000 Dead Kids,’ Reports Spokesperson
