KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…
INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…
POMONA, CA—Acknowledging that although she has always imagined her special day as something out of a storybook, bride-to-be Beth Wharton admitted Wednesday that it would be kind of thrilling if someone objected at her wedding. “I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would…
LONDON—Claiming they wanted a ceremony that reflected who they really are as a couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed Wednesday that they were debating between a Hawaiian luau- or X-Files-themed wedding. “At first I thought it would be fun to have a Hawaiian wedding because I love the beach, but Meghan is a…
NEW YORK—Saying there was no substitute for cleaning up top-to-bottom with soap and everything, showerin’ real good continues to be one of the top bridal style trends for 2017, sources reported Monday. “Really getting in there with warm water, suds, and a washcloth is an absolute must for this year’s brides-to-be,”…
DALLAS—Calling it his own personal blessing to the bride and groom, wedding caterer Isaac Bellacosa told reporters Wednesday that he likes to throw in a few extra potatoes for the reception dinner if it looks like the couple is genuinely in love. “If the connection seems like the real deal, I’ll give them some more…
CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating. “Jessica isn’t even my very best friend, but she is by far the most…
NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that the small detail was crucial for creating her ideal fairy-tale wedding, 30-year-old bride Anna Reed confirmed Thursday that she had always dreamed about making her fiancé’s friends sweat their goddamn asses off in the fucking sun. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve pictured a few of my…
As wedding season approaches, The Onion provides a guide to help guests make the perfect sartorial choice.
SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a…
MATERA, ITALY—Explaining that there really isn’t much else to do in the sleepy hillside community, residents of the rustic Italian village of Matera told reporters Wednesday they’re currently just killing time between lavish wedding feasts. “Of course we’d all love to be seated at a long wooden table with the bride…
It’s hard to believe how quickly my wedding is coming up. I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve been picturing this day ever since I was a little girl, and I’ve gone all out to make sure that everything, from the location, to the flower arrangements, to the music, all the way down to the cake topper, is absolutely perfect.…
A bachelorette party is a fun way to make the bride feel special before her big day. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing an unforgettable bachelorette bash:
Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest:
CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the…
BAY HARBOR, MI—Joining the venue, decorations, and first-dance song, a signature wedding cocktail served at the reception for newly married couple Jason Klein and Carrie Samuel reportedly provided guests Saturday with yet another thing to quietly make fun of. “Oh man, ‘Jason and Carrie’s Pearadise’—give me a fucking…
