David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…

Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…

Couple Stressing About Wedding Plans As If It Won’t Just Take A String Of Edison Bulbs To Knock Guests’ Fucking Socks Off

INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…

I Can’t Imagine My Wedding Day Without You Sitting There Uncomfortably At A Table Full Of People You Don’t Know

It’s hard to believe how quickly my wedding is coming up. I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve been picturing this day ever since I was a little girl, and I’ve gone all out to make sure that everything, from the location, to the flower arrangements, to the music, all the way down to the cake topper, is absolutely perfect.…

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