White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer

WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about…

Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…

Omarosa Searches Through Tapes Of Everyone Else In White House Using N-Word For One Of Trump

WASHINGTON—Insisting that it had to be in the audio recordings made during her time in the administration, Omarosa Manigault-Newman was frantically searching Tuesday through tapes of everyone else in the White House using the N-word for one of President Trump uttering the racial slur. “C’mon, c’mon, I know Trump’s in…

White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN

WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news…

Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is…

White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo

WASHINGTON—Eyes widening in terror as she scrolled through the day’s images, chief official White House photographer Shealah Craighead became increasingly disturbed Thursday after discovering a faint, ghostly image of Melania Trump in the background of every photo she had taken. “I swear the State Dining Room was…

Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance

WASHINGTON—Following a period of uncertainty during a months-long FBI background check, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner told reporters Thursday he’s excited to finally visit the White House after gaining permanent security clearance. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m going to see where the president…

‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation

WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me,…