LONDON—Adding to the already long list of grievances they had with their guest, officials at the Ecuadorian embassy reported Thursday that they were beginning to get really sick of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange always leaving his dirty dishes around the premises.
Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations…
Last week, the whistle-blower website Wikileaks released more than 250,000 pages of sensitive diplomatic notes, cables, and information from the United States government. Here is some of the information included in the mountain of documents:
ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as "the last straw," Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon's IT coordinator Monday. "We gave him his first warning after the whole Iraq and Afghanistan war diaries…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As members of the international press looked on, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton rode on horseback through the streets of Kabul Monday, dragging the mutilated remains of Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Jalil through the dirt behind her. "Graaaaaggghh!" Clinton shouted as a frenzied crowd of…
CHAPPAQUA, NY—After more than 60 years of redacting classified but amusing anecdotes from Reader's Digest's popular Humor in Uniform section, the CIA announced Monday that the full text of thousands of previously censored jokes will now be made available to the public.
NEW YORK—A recent spate of diplomatic conflicts around the globe has been linked to the hiring of an attractive tour guide by the United Nations, sources at the international organization's headquarters reported Monday.
North Korean president Kim Jong Il recently named his 25-year-old son Kim Jong Un as the nation’s next leader. What qualifications does Kim’s youngest son bring with him?
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Unveiling a bold scent described by its manufacturer as "steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather, sandalwood, and wool serge," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton launched her own line of soaps, eaux de toilette, and body splashes Thursday. The new fragrance, called "Authorité," was…
From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In an effort to dispel rumors of leader Kim Jong Il's failing health, the North Korean government released several new up-to-the-minute paintings in late September depicting the Asian dictator in peak physical condition.
TEHRAN, IRAN—Nearly 30 years of tense relations between the U.S. and Iran came to a dramatic end this March when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed that his country’s suspected nuclear program was in fact a covert operation to build “Ali Baba and the 40 Loops”—the largest, most thrilling roller coaster in…
WASHINGTON—Following Russia's controversial military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made its most direct commitment to the U.S.'s Eastern European allies to date by "strongly advising" those countries not to border Russia under any circumstance. "The United States stands by its allies,…
GENEVA—In what observers are calling an unprecedented opportunity for the international community to express its grievances against Iran's controversial leader, dozens of world leaders and key U.N. delegates gathered Saturday to roast Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
WASHINGTON—In an emergency press conference held this morning, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff urged the American public to be on the lookout for a folder that was misplaced sometime in the last 24 hours, most likely in the DHS offices, but also possibly anywhere else.
ANNAPOLIS, MD—Despite years of diplomatic stalemate in the Mideast crisis, Syrian officials appeared eager to mend troubled Arab-Israeli relations this week by participating in a second round of U.S.-led peace talks, which feature representatives from every country in the region, as well as a complimentary continental…
