WOMEN

Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday…

GAINESVILLE, VA—Cursing under her breath while examining the ultrasound image, area ob-gyn Dr. Geena McDyer was…

‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’

NEW YORK—Saying she needed to stand up to the prominent individual for whom she works and “make [her] voice heard,”…

NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by…

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The…

Of course she can. Women are amazing, Onion Science Editor Raef Gillis explains.

‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man…

NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior…

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources…

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham…

DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed…

NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told…