ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday taking time off between IUDs to allow the body to expel backlogged periods. “We advise that before inserting a new Mirena or Liletta, a woman should give her body a break to flush out the months upon…
GAINESVILLE, VA—Cursing under her breath while examining the ultrasound image, area ob-gyn Dr. Geena McDyer was reportedly kind of annoyed Thursday that she had to confirm her patient’s premonition about the sex of her baby that came to her in a dream. “I don’t want to see her smug expression when I tell her she’s…
Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was…
‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’
NEW YORK—Saying she needed to stand up to the prominent individual for whom she works and “make [her] voice heard,” local woman Ashley Wellig reportedly came forward this week with the first allegations of 2036’s biggest sexual harassment scandal. “This morning I filed a complaint with HR about my boss’s inappropriate…
NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by Columbia University found that rich suitors are able to correctly guess a beautiful woman’s dress size 92 percent of the time. “Our research shows that in more than nine out of ten cases, wealthy admirers…
Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
Of course she can. Women are amazing, Onion Science Editor Raef Gillis explains.
‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens
RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish. “Man, he must really get off on that,” said…
NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior vice president Mark Evans told reporters Friday he keeps a photo of a sobbing 15-year-old girl on his desk to remind himself why he does this. “With all the meetings and phone calls I have to deal with…
DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin. “I just got this new moisturizer I’m going to try out,” Holloway, 32, said…
ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself. “When I offhandedly mentioned to Ben a new way the company…
DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t…
NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check. “It never even occurred to me that this strike would have such an impact on my ability to discreetly pleasure…
LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying that she had been using birth control pills since she was a teenager, 30-year-old Claudia Spencer told reporters Friday that she was now thinking about switching to an entirely new set of debilitating side effects. “I’ve been having painful cramps from the pill for more than a decade, so I’m…
