SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds.…
WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get…
NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay…
DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…
ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got…
AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…
CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right there in Mauro’s visual range. “Jesus, some people are just trying to work…
EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!” countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every…
NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do…
WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day. “There are more than 100 million adults in this nation who, to provide for…
NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking…
CHICAGO—Saying it was by far the strongest predictor of high workplace morale, a new report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Chicago found that employees in the United States are most engaged at their jobs while working as the frontman of rock band Styx. “Whether they’re belting out power ballads…
TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds. “I’m going to miss my transfer to the Green Portal—I…
HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I…
SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job. “He sits there at his little desk sending out all-staff emails outlining our goals for the…
Advertisement
