RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so…
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…
STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic…
DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…
PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original…
VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…
JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…
VATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged…
SANA’A, YEMEN—In an effort to address what has become a persistent nuisance to citizens, Yemeni officials unveiled Thursday their new 80-story drone zapper. “Hanging this state-of-the-art Drone Zapper above the nation means Yemenis will be able to enjoy themselves outside again and sleep soundly at night without the…
VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…
VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…
JERUSALEM—In what is being regarded internationally as a powerful declaration of national purpose, Israel passed a binding resolution Thursday cementing itself as the exclusive nation-state of Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel was created by and for Benjamin Netanyahu, and as a homeland for the Netanyahuan people,” said…
EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to…
LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…
