RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to emulate the recent success of North Korea, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday plans to escalate human rights abuses to curry more favor with the United States. “We really need to take bold steps to double the number of unlawful airstrikes on Yemeni civilians while…

SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea. “There was some negotiating involved in…

PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…

DUBLIN—Predicting pregnant women will visit their clinics in droves, physicians in Ireland confirmed Tuesday they were bracing themselves for the wave of fetuses that will be aborted 12 weeks after the festivities held to celebrate the landslide referendum that struck down the nation’s abortion ban. “When late August…

BERLIN—Leaping at the chance to never again deal with the U.S. after North Korea’s disparaging remarks towards the vice president, leaders from the other 193 nations of the world began insulting Mike Pence Thursday in hopes of avoiding future meetings with President Donald Trump. “Mike Pence is just a dumbfuck…

LONDON—Touting the remarkable progress made towards broader cultural representation in the royal family, Queen Elizabeth II declared Monday that the British monarchy’s recent diversity initiative was a complete success. “It is with great pleasure that I tell you all that the Crown’s plan to introduce diversity into…

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins…

LONDON—Reacting with indignation and frustration as her fiancé admitted his continued omission, furious royal bride-to-be Meghan Markle found herself unable to believe Thursday that Prince Harry had not yet informed the royal family that she is, in fact, black. “Jesus, Harry, what the hell? Are you ashamed of me?…

FLORENCE, ITALY—Insisting that she never intended for anyone besides her boyfriend to see the explicit images, Venus, the Roman goddess of love and fertility, was reportedly horrified Tuesday upon browsing the internet and discovering millions of nude pictures of herself. “Oh, my God, someone uploaded all these nudes…

JERUSALEM—Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was…

JERUSALEM—Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public’s worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict at the Gaza border. “We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this…

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—After assuming the position for more than two millennia, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, announced Monday that the next will be his final life before retirement. “I’ve had a good run continuously reincarnating as a tulku these past few dozen lives, but after much consideration, I think…