DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking…
VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…
NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…
In response to President Trump imposing tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, China implemented reciprocal tariffs on over 100 American-made goods, igniting fears of a trade war. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide of how trade wars begin, escalate, and affect economies.
JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told reporters Monday that she hadn’t expected to see so many dead Palestinians on her Birthright trip. “My friend Kate who came over last year said she noticed a couple, but this is way more dead Palestinians…
LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…
MOSCOW—After consulting a schedule consisting of council meetings, appointing Gazprom executives to ministry posts, and conducting military inspections, Russian President Vladimir Putin was forced to adjust his personal timetable Wednesday and move up his election victory by a couple of days. “Between meeting Chinese…
WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything wrong, officials from dozens of countries around the world expressed irritation Friday that all of the credit for meddling in the 2016 presidential race was going to Russia.
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing safety concerns for both competitors and spectators, representatives from the International Olympic Committee announced Thursday that the 2018 Winter Olympics have been cancelled due to weather conditions being far too cold. “Because of a combination of subfreezing temperatures and the…
LONDON—Claiming they wanted a ceremony that reflected who they really are as a couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed Wednesday that they were debating between a Hawaiian luau- or X-Files-themed wedding. “At first I thought it would be fun to have a Hawaiian wedding because I love the beach, but Meghan is a…
LONDON—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly set up their wedding registry with discount retailer Target Thursday, including a variety of kitchen, home décor, and bath items on the list of gift options for their guests. “This luggage is a little pricey, but it would be nice to finally have a set of matching…
NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which…
The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.
VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution. “After a thorough investigation by the Congregation…
MOSCOW—Uncertain how much longer his psyche could handle the unbearable conditions of the operation, Russian agent Aleksei Yelizarov told reporters Tuesday that he was disgusted with the things he is forced to do to pass himself off as a Reddit commenter. “God, if I have to blend in again by responding to a social…
This week marks 25 years since Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced their separation, but the royal family has been plagued by scandal for centuries. Here is a timeline of the biggest royal scandals throughout history.
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that…
LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. “We are delighted to announce the engagement and upcoming…
DAMASCUS—Saying they couldn’t imagine how any ancient people could put up with a place like this, a team of archaeologists announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere. “From the pathetic ruins that we’ve uncovered thus far, this dump dates back to…
