World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium

STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…

World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast

JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…

Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing

VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…

Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’

VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…