Ever wanted to see the world renowned Metropolitan Museum of Art but not pay any money? Click through and join The Onion on a digital tour, where you’ll get everything from the live experience, plus much less.
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Mastaba Tomb of Perneb
Mastaba Tomb of Perneb
Originating between the years 2381-2323 B.C., this ancient Egyptian chamber can be rented on Airbnb for $499 a night on weeknights and $599 on weekends.
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Madonna and Child, Duccio di Buoninsegna
Madonna and Child, Duccio di Buoninsegna
Purchased in 2004 for $50 million, art critics agree, for that kind of money, it should’ve had some nudity.
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The Penitence of Saint Jerome, Joachim Patinir
The Penitence of Saint Jerome, Joachim Patinir
This triptych painting by Patinir’s includes 10 mistakes for the viewer to discover. Can you find them all? (Flip the triptych upside down to see the answers!)
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Temple of Dendur
Temple of Dendur
The Temple of Dendur has been housed at the Met ever since it was constructed as set dressing for the 1989 romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally.
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Preparing for Christmas (Plucking Turkeys), Francis William Edmonds
Preparing for Christmas (Plucking Turkeys), Francis William Edmonds
Painted in 1851, this unmistakably American painting shows the moment just before three men scrapped the homemade menu and went to Boston Market.
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The Dance Class, Edgar Degas
The Dance Class, Edgar Degas
Shortly after capturing this iconic image of dancers preparing in the dressing room of the grand Paris Opéra, Degas was discovered behind a curtain and forcibly told to leave.
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Gauntlet for the Right Hand, Belonging to the Armor of Don Alonzo Pérez de Guzman el Bueno (1550–1619), Count of Niebla and Duke of Medina-Sidonia
Gauntlet for the Right Hand, Belonging to the Armor of Don Alonzo Pérez de Guzman el Bueno (1550–1619), Count of Niebla and Duke of Medina-Sidonia
This bad boy has been sitting in the lost-and-found bin since 1580.
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The Outside
The Outside
It is totally free to see the outside of the museum, and you should be able to just hang out there for a pretty long time before someone asks you to move along. Just throwing that out there.
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Human-headed winged lion (lamassu)
Human-headed winged lion (lamassu)
This magnificent Assyrian work is thought to date from a time before sculptors had any idea what a human being looked like.
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Funerary Figure of Akhenaten
Funerary Figure of Akhenaten
This piece demonstrates the beliefs of Ancient Egyptians about the afterlife, the importance of the Book of the Dead during the Armana Period, and it also looks really great illuminated by the soda machine down the hall.
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$14 Hot Dog
$14 Hot Dog
Stationed outside the front entrance, this installation is a commentary on the absurdities of commerce in and around the art world.
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Toilet, Kohler
Toilet, Kohler
There is a toilet on the second floor that you can piss and shit in.
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The Card Players, Paul Cézanne
The Card Players, Paul Cézanne
Cézanne would pose as a painter, innocently capturing a friendly card game on canvas—all the while making note of each player’s tell until it was his turn to play a hand.
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Marble head of a Ptolemaic queen, Greek
Marble head of a Ptolemaic queen, Greek
This accurate rendering of a female queen has helped art historians determine that women started forming heads circa 270 - 250 B.C. and that it would be centuries until they started developing other body parts.
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The Robert Lehman Collection
The Robert Lehman Collection
Kind of tacky, but it’s on the wall just in case he comes by.
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Alan Alda
Alan Alda
The holy grail itself, Alan Alda has lived in the Met since curators transferred him from the Guggenheim in 1962.
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By The Seashore, Auguste Renoir
By The Seashore, Auguste Renoir
Renoir is known for his masterpieces of impressionism created primarily by sneaking up on confused women and quickly painting them before they could run away
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Still Life with Apples and a Pot of Primroses, Paul Cézanne
Still Life with Apples and a Pot of Primroses, Paul Cézanne
This 1890 work by Cézanne comes from the height of what historians refer to as his “Boring Period.”
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Confused, elderly man, circa 1945
Confused, elderly man, circa 1945
If he belongs to you, please retrieve him immediately from the Egyptian wing.
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Met Café Mozzarella Panini
Met Café Mozzarella Panini
The real artist here is Gary with that panini press. Stop by the café for one of your own today!
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Jug Decorated with Dolphins and Birds, Middle Kingdom or Second Intermediate Period
Jug Decorated with Dolphins and Birds, Middle Kingdom or Second Intermediate Period
What more can we say?
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