CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency situation requiring her to activate the app, our state-of-the-art technology will pinpoint the tampon’s location within 0.01 millimeters, even when it’s a full string-length past the point of no return,” said company spokesperson Janine Loughty, adding that Find My Tampon is extremely easy to use, and even has a built-in map feature that displays the real-time location and speed of your tampon as it advances up and out of reach within the vaginal canal. “If you find yourself fishing around up there with no luck, just open the app, press the ‘locate’ button, and wait for the tampon’s built-in GPS to sync with your phone. When you hear a beeping noise, or see a small red light flashing beneath the skin of your pelvic region, you’ll know you’ve found it.” The app also reportedly includes a self-destruct feature that immediately detonates any tampon deemed to have migrated beyond any reasonable hope of retrieval.
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