While over 14 million people attempted to buy Taylor Swift tickets, only 2.4 million were actually sold. The Onion asked Swifties how they managed to snag tickets to the Eras Tour, and this is what they said.
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“It’s possible I killed someone? I blacked out listening to ‘Shake It Off’ and woke up with two bloody tickets.”
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“Since Taylor’s my daughter, she gave me a code that entered me into a lottery that eventually scored me two seats 30 rows apart at $18,000 each.”
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“My lawyers have advised me not to discuss this pending the outcome of the trial.”
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“Oh fuck, I thought I got Sugar Ray tickets. Fuck fuck fuck.”
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“So many are dead. So, so many. But I got to hear ‘Cruel Summer’ live, so it was worth it.”
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“Since we’re opening for her, she generously offered to let the three of us split one.”
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“I’ve been camping out overnight at Ticketmaster HQ since they announced—when do they drop?”
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“You can get anything from a celebrity if you’ve dug up enough dirt on their powdered heroin addiction.”
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“I just emailed her at TaylorSwiftMusic@gmail.com and asked, and she sent me four free tickets.”
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“Super fast internet connection, the reflexes of a cat, and a mountain of cocaine.”
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“Our last Teamsters contract guaranteed a minimum of four Taylor Swift tickets per year, and they have to be floor seats.”
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“Just logged on to Ticketmaster, waited my turn, and purchased every single ticket fair and square.”
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“I’ve been sleeping in Allegiant Stadium since the tour was announced last November.”
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“It was pretty easy, actually.”
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“My coven amped up the blood rituals ahead of the presale.”
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“There’s a lot you can get with Austin Swift’s severed pinky.”
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“I’ll grab tickets in a couple of weeks if it starts looking like people are really interested in seeing her.”
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“May God forgive me for what I have done.”
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