
After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
2 / 26
“I didn’t sign up for any of this. When I became a teacher, I thought I’d only have to sacrifice my financial stability, work-life balance, and mental health.”
3 / 26
“Just a sec, somebody is shooting at me right now.”
4 / 26
“I’ve been saying this since day one: the kids need to put more effort into lobbying.”
5 / 26
“Curse those multiple doors!”
6 / 26
“There’s a bunch of excellent novels about dealing with loss and grief, but they’re all banned.”
7 / 26
“I’m replacing all my desks with foxholes.”
8 / 26
“I’m teaching my students how to use their compasses like throwing knives. They’re getting pretty good. We’ll be ready for the next one.”
9 / 26
“We need these kids to bulk up and learn how to take a hit.”
10 / 26
“The police academy rejected my application, but who’s laughing now? I get a gun anyway.”
11 / 26
“I guess I’ll stop bullying my students so much.”
12 / 26
“Only I shall strike fear into the miserable hearts of my pupils.”
13 / 26
“Oh my department got cut years ago but I hope everything’s going well!”
14 / 26
“We knew the risks when we signed up. That’s why they pay us 35 K a year.”
15 / 26
“The new curriculum actually doesn’t let us say ‘shooting.’ They’re called ‘existence displacement events’ now.”
16 / 26
“How do I explain this to my first-graders who only have 119 school shootings from the past four years to use as reference points?”
17 / 26
“We’re still working on mastering counting to five, but thankfully my class is above grade level in lockdown preparation.”
18 / 26
“Today we set aside multiplication tables to talk about how quickly and violently death can come for us.”
19 / 26
“Sure we’ve lost a few kids but at least the ones who survived learned about the Second Amendment.”
20 / 26
“It’s unfortunate that my literary arts degree only prepared me for knife combat.”
21 / 26
“I’ve been petitioning the school board to encase our school in an indestructible iron dome for years now.”
22 / 26
“I’ve been training students to run for this very reason.”
23 / 26
“If they give us AK-47s, can they also send some pencils?”
24 / 26
“This could happen in any school in America, which is why I’ve been slipping handguns to my honor roll students.”
25 / 26
“I knew I should’ve picked a less dangerous career, like police officer.”
26 / 26