After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
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“I didn’t sign up for any of this. When I became a teacher, I thought I’d only have to sacrifice my financial stability, work-life balance, and mental health.”
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“Just a sec, somebody is shooting at me right now.”
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“I’ve been saying this since day one: the kids need to put more effort into lobbying.”
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“Curse those multiple doors!”
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“There’s a bunch of excellent novels about dealing with loss and grief, but they’re all banned.”
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“I’m replacing all my desks with foxholes.”
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“I’m teaching my students how to use their compasses like throwing knives. They’re getting pretty good. We’ll be ready for the next one.”
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“We need these kids to bulk up and learn how to take a hit.”
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“The police academy rejected my application, but who’s laughing now? I get a gun anyway.”
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“I guess I’ll stop bullying my students so much.”
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“Only I shall strike fear into the miserable hearts of my pupils.”
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“Oh my department got cut years ago but I hope everything’s going well!”
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“We knew the risks when we signed up. That’s why they pay us 35 K a year.”
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“The new curriculum actually doesn’t let us say ‘shooting.’ They’re called ‘existence displacement events’ now.”
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“How do I explain this to my first-graders who only have 119 school shootings from the past four years to use as reference points?”
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“We’re still working on mastering counting to five, but thankfully my class is above grade level in lockdown preparation.”
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“Today we set aside multiplication tables to talk about how quickly and violently death can come for us.”
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“Sure we’ve lost a few kids but at least the ones who survived learned about the Second Amendment.”
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“It’s unfortunate that my literary arts degree only prepared me for knife combat.”
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“I’ve been petitioning the school board to encase our school in an indestructible iron dome for years now.”
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“I’ve been training students to run for this very reason.”
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“If they give us AK-47s, can they also send some pencils?”
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“This could happen in any school in America, which is why I’ve been slipping handguns to my honor roll students.”
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“I knew I should’ve picked a less dangerous career, like police officer.”
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