Teachers React To Yet Another School Shooting

After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.

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Penny Adams (Ninth Grade, English)

“I didn’t sign up for any of this. When I became a teacher, I thought I’d only have to sacrifice my financial stability, work-life balance, and mental health.”

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Judith Montgomery (Fifth Grade, Science)

“Just a sec, somebody is shooting at me right now.”

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Aileen Peterson (Fourth Grade, Math)

“I’ve been saying this since day one: the kids need to put more effort into lobbying.”

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Jeremy Floyd (12th Grade, Band)

“Curse those multiple doors!”

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Greg Peters (12th Grade, Literature)

“There’s a bunch of excellent novels about dealing with loss and grief, but they’re all banned.”

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Shelton Edwards (Ninth Grade, U.S. History)

“I’m replacing all my desks with foxholes.”

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Greg Fletcher (10th Grade, Geometry)

“I’m teaching my students how to use their compasses like throwing knives. They’re getting pretty good. We’ll be ready for the next one.”

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Frank Quill (12th Grade, Physical Education/Football Coach)

“We need these kids to bulk up and learn how to take a hit.”

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Mike Stockton (Fifth Grade, English)

“The police academy rejected my application, but who’s laughing now? I get a gun anyway.”

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Scott Moriarty (Seventh Grade, Health)

“I guess I’ll stop bullying my students so much.”

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Malcolm Forsythe-Black (Ninth Grade, Latin)

“Only I shall strike fear into the miserable hearts of my pupils.”

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Kristin Cantwell (Sixth Grade, Art)

“Oh my department got cut years ago but I hope everything’s going well!”

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Patrick Gammill (Second Grade, Spanish)

“We knew the risks when we signed up. That’s why they pay us 35 K a year.”

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Heather Cunningham (Eighth Grade, History)

“The new curriculum actually doesn’t let us say ‘shooting.’ They’re called ‘existence displacement events’ now.”

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Ellen Clark (First Grade)

“How do I explain this to my first-graders who only have 119 school shootings from the past four years to use as reference points?”

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Patrice Watson (Pre-K)

“We’re still working on mastering counting to five, but thankfully my class is above grade level in lockdown preparation.”

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Lynne Bonner (Third Grade, Science)

“Today we set aside multiplication tables to talk about how quickly and violently death can come for us.”

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Stuart White (Eighth Grade, History)

“Sure we’ve lost a few kids but at least the ones who survived learned about the Second Amendment.”

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Tricia Ro (Ninth Grade, English)

“It’s unfortunate that my literary arts degree only prepared me for knife combat.”

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Jason Zellner (Third Grade)

“I’ve been petitioning the school board to encase our school in an indestructible iron dome for years now.”

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Greg Mills (11th Grade, Physical Education)

“I’ve been training students to run for this very reason.”

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Emily Putron (Sixth Grade, English)

“If they give us AK-47s, can they also send some pencils?”

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Hank Summers (Ninth Grade, English)

“This could happen in any school in America, which is why I’ve been slipping handguns to my honor roll students.”

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Ben Greer (10th Grade, Chemistry)

“I knew I should’ve picked a less dangerous career, like police officer.”