HAWTHORNE, CA—Saying he now knows firsthand what painful consequences await such reckless behavior, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk held a press conference Thursday to warn the public about the dangers of artificial intelligence after having his heart broken by a beautiful robotrix. “You may be tempted, as I was, to open yourself up to a relationship with an AI-equipped automaton, but do not be fooled: It will be cruel and heartless, and you’ll be all alone once it’s finished with you,” said Musk, adding through stifled sobs that although his time performing preliminary tests with the robotrix was “sheer bliss,” he now regards such machines as a “fundamental, existential risk to love.” “Humanity can put everything it’s got into making the relationship work, but artificial intelligence will crush us in the end. When it’s all over, we, the unlucky ones of flesh and blood, will always be the ones who suffer.” At press time, however, Musk was spotted at a cozy café with a new robotrix, telling reporters that with upgrades to its processor, this time will definitely be different.

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