Illustration for article titled Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely

WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely. “It’s truly a miracle that all of us got through this okay,” said visibly distraught Colt’s Manufacturing CEO Dennis Veilleux, who frequently choked up while voicing his gratitude that U.S. firearms producers were now free from the danger posed by the mass shooting. “There was a point back there where I honestly feared the worst, and I had no idea if [Smith & Wesson CEO] James [Debney], [Bushmaster CEO] George [Kollitides], and everyone else would be all right. Now that this nightmare’s over, all I can do is thank God for keeping us out of harm’s way.” The gun manufacturers went on to praise the NRA for the courage and grit they displayed in quickly responding to such a traumatic crisis.


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