WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire hunter-gatherer industry by stripping a tree branch of its bark, dipping it into a termite’s nest, and then feasting on the termites who cling to it,” said Turgunu, one of the many tribesmen praising the most stunning innovation of the age, proclaiming that it may save The People much daylight they now spend by smashing nuts between rocks and sacrificing throngs of deformed children to the Harvest God. “This is the greatest technological breakthrough of the 22nd century so far, on par with Sukkalgir discovering that water comes when one digs far down. Who knows what’s next? Perhaps The People will soon use sticks from trees to make a sort of wood cave to live in.” Shortly following the announcement, Ka had his skull bashed in by an angry tribesman from beyond the hills who claimed that Ka stole his idea.
More from The Onion