Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke

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The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.


Ted Cruz: Conservative Texans

Beto O’Rourke: Non-voting Texans

Type Of Insufferable

Ted Cruz: Debate Club president

Beto O’Rourke: Adult who skateboards

Real First Name

Ted Cruz: Rafael

Beto O’Rourke: Betopanga

Social Media Strategy

Ted Cruz: Retweet videos of Beto O’Rourke engaging voters on an issue

Beto O’Rourke: Retweet videos of Beto O’Rourke engaging voters on an issue

Biggest Asset

Ted Cruz: Not a Democrat

Beto O’Rourke: Not Ted Cruz

Number Of Magazine Profiles Currently Being Written About Them

Ted Cruz: 3

Beto O’Rourke: 18,971

Contemplating Future Presidential Run

Ted Cruz: Probably

Beto O’Rourke: Probably

Campaign Promise

Ted Cruz: Will be reliably awful enough to make everyone around him look better by comparison


Beto O’Rourke: Will be just as disappointing as every centrist Democrat