The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.
Base
Ted Cruz: Conservative Texans
Beto O’Rourke: Non-voting Texans
Type Of Insufferable
Ted Cruz: Debate Club president
Beto O’Rourke: Adult who skateboards
Real First Name
Ted Cruz: Rafael
Beto O’Rourke: Betopanga
Social Media Strategy
Ted Cruz: Retweet videos of Beto O’Rourke engaging voters on an issue
Beto O’Rourke: Retweet videos of Beto O’Rourke engaging voters on an issue
Biggest Asset
Ted Cruz: Not a Democrat
Beto O’Rourke: Not Ted Cruz
Number Of Magazine Profiles Currently Being Written About Them
Ted Cruz: 3
Beto O’Rourke: 18,971
Contemplating Future Presidential Run
Ted Cruz: Probably
Beto O’Rourke: Probably
Campaign Promise
Ted Cruz: Will be reliably awful enough to make everyone around him look better by comparison
Beto O’Rourke: Will be just as disappointing as every centrist Democrat