SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago. “I used to just make fun of him for being shy, but ever since he began speaking up and showing a little more of his personality, I’ve had way more ammo for tearing him apart,” said Macomber, adding that he’d been able to move on from solely insulting Reid for having his mom pick out his lame clothes to far more precise attacks based on the high school freshman’s Coheed and Cambria shirt. “Now that I know a bunch of his hobbies and passions, I’ve found a ton of new ways to torment him. Whether he’s reading graphic novels in the lobby before school or I overhear him talking about the latest episode of Adventure Time, he’s just giving me so much to riff off of. It’s way easier to get to him when I can just tell him that all the stupid shit he likes sucks.” At press time, Macomber admitted that he probably would have become bored and stopped picking on Reid if he hadn’t started opening up more.
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