While every parent secretly wants to believe their child was born a prodigy, the truth is that only 99% of kids actually grow up to be bonafide geniuses. Here are some telltale signs your son or daughter may be gifted.
They Solve A Giant Math Problem On A Blackboard At MIT
Mathematicians may have been struggling to prove this theorem for centuries, but any true gifted child will be able to pick up some chalk and solve it immediately.
They Finish A Jigsaw Puzzle Recommended For Children Ages 4-8 At Age 3-5
You might as well get Harvard on the phone right away if your child pulls this off!
They Pity Your Limited Understanding Of Rocket Propulsion
Don’t expect your child to respect you unless you understand the basic principles of velocity, impulse, and gravity behind the Tsiolkovsky rocket equation.
You Ordered Them That Way
If you filled out your baby’s genetic modification form, checked the box “prodigy,” and wired the company $800K, you’d better get your money’s worth.
They Are Born With A Monocle
Bonus points if the doctor spanks your newborn baby and they exclaim the words, “Oh, I say, put me down this instant,” in an English accent.
They Prefer Hanging Out With Guys In Their 60s Reading The New Yorker In Coffee Shops
Abraham, Felix, and Earle agree that playing on the jungle gym is so passé.
They Breastfeed You
You know you’ve got a winner when your child develops mammary glands capable of nourishing you.
An Absolutely Massive Head
Intelligence doesn’t entirely correlate with brain size, but it’s not a bad sign if your kid has a huge fucking dome.
Their Short Fiction Isn’t Derivative
While their work occupies a familiar space in the literary milieu, their inventiveness of form evokes surprise, intrigue, and most of all, delight.
They Creep You Out A Little
They’re not like the other kids. It’s hard to put your finger on what exactly, but there’s just something a little off about them, y’know? It’s probably fine.
They Keep Reanimating Their Dead Pets
While there’s always a chance your child was born with dark magic, it’s far more likely they’re a genius who has learned to harness the power of electricity.
They Don’t Sweat When Defusing A Bomb
Successfully cutting the right wire before it goes off will be pretty impressive to a lot of adults.
An Expansive Vocabulary
Don’t be surprise if their teacher calls you in when they spout off words like fuck, shit, tits, cock, and asshole.
They Wrote American Pastoral
Five words: Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, 1998.
They Are Your Main Source Of Income
It’s only up from here if your child’s science fair, spelling bee, and math olympiad winnings are already supporting you and your entire family.
They Insist On Marrying Their Cousin
Hey, FDR, Edgar Allen Poe, and H.G. Wells all did it. Plus, that’s how you know they want to keep their genius gene in the family.
If your child recently fell into a vat of toxic waste and gained the ability to move things using their mind, shoot lasers from their eyes, or read the brain waves of those around them, they may be ready to skip a grade.
They Have A Red Laser Dot On Their Forehead
Good news! This could be a sign that powerful tech CEOs have sent an unmanned drone to assassinate your child with a bullet to the head!
Just A Smug Little Shit
You can just tell that little fucker knows how smart they are and can’t wait to lord it over you.