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Terrified Pedestrian Narrowly Escapes Tesla By Jumping Across Rooftops, Hiding In Stairwell

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SEATTLE—In what onlookers called a desperate, high-intensity chase, a terrified pedestrian narrowly escaped being run over by a Tesla by jumping across rooftops and hiding in a darkened stairwell, sources confirmed Tuesday. “That was a close one,” said Lawrence Field, who breathed a sigh of relief after being relentlessly pursued through the streets by the bloodthirsty driverless Tesla. Field reportedly eluded the homicidal autonomous vehicle by dodging into a narrow alley, climbing atop a dumpster, scrambling up a fire escape ladder, sprinting across the roof, and leaping from the third-story building to a parking garage where he sequestered himself in the stairwell for several hours. Several reports indicated that the incident began as Field attempted to traverse the crosswalk when the Tesla’s electric engine revved and the tires began to squeal and smoke as the vicious self-driving car set its sights on the pedestrian. “Oh, God, no,” said Field, before darting through an outdoor market with the Tesla on his heels, haphazardly striking merchandise stands. “I got away for now, but who knows when that son of a bitch will be back,” said Field, heart pounding as he listened for Tesla’s taunts of “come out, come out, wherever you are” to fade. At press time, sources confirmed that Field had begun donning a disguise and making plans to move to a distant city.