Roseville, MN—Reeling in horror as she stopped by their table yet again to check on how their meals were tasting and to cheerfully ask if she could get them anything else, a party of diners at a local Buffalo Wild Wings confirmed to reporters Thursday that terrifying server Jane Gember appeared to genuinely care about their dining experience. “When I couldn’t decide which Sam Adams draft beer I wanted, she offered to bring me samples of each—that’s when the whole table realized we were dealing with a completely unhinged individual,” said visibly petrified patron Abby Cowans, who described the awful moment when a broadly smiling Gember leaned right in to inquire whether Cowans enjoyed the Potato Wedges she had recommended to pair with her Chicken Buffalito. “I can feel my heart stop every time she comes over to our table and tells us how she’s happy to get us extra condiments if we need them. It’s horrifying. I know it’s only a matter of time before she pops back up and describes the Dessert Nachos to us in detail.” At press time, the frighteningly pleasant server could be seen going on a bizarre rampage around the restaurant, refilling water glasses that weren’t even halfway empty.

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