Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’

GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the design and construction of this car bomb over a period of weeks, filling two graph paper tablets with notes and staying up all night reading physics textbooks, yet they treat my work like I just threw a bunch of roofing nails in a pressure cooker and called it a day,” Musa said of the explosive, which involved extensive work with fertilizer chemistry, careful deciphering and adapting wiring diagrams, and even countless practice sessions with soldering irons. “Devising the right detonator rig was a huge undertaking—did you know flame travels at different speeds through different densities of diesel-fuel vapors? It totally does. Plus, I had to be sure the shrapnel was the right shape to disperse correctly. Yet everyone from the CIA to Interpol continues to use the cute little dismissive acronym ‘IED.’ Insulting. Everyone knows improvisation is amateurish, and no one in their right mind respects anything improvised. My device killed 67 people—does that sound improvised to you?” Musa promised that his magnificent suicide bombing next month would force authorities to report his demise as “death by elegantly devised explosive device.”

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