Thank God I Live In New Jersey

By Eric Adams

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Eric Adams
Eric Adams

Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many people spread vicious rumors about my family and me, one of which was that I lived part time in New Jersey.

So, let me finally put those rumors to rest once and for all: I definitely do live in New Jersey. And thank God I do! New York City is fucking insane. Seriously, I just don’t understand how you all do it.

It’s not that I don’t love New York City as a place, but I sure as hell am not going to live there 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I genuinely do enjoy visiting the city for work or for pleasure, but as your mayor, let me assure you, the last thing I’d ever want to do is waste all of my precious time and money there.

Some people will say New York City is the greatest city on Earth. And to them, I say, they’re right! But everything in moderation. There’s just so much disgusting garbage, dusty construction, and loud-ass honking. Ew. God. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Yes, you get exciting things like Broadway, five-star restaurants, and an absolutely breathtaking skyline, but for what? Let me tell you, I’d pick my clean, safe, New Jersey house any day of the week. No contest. Case closed. Done. Finito.

The truth is, I’m not 18 anymore. Maybe it was fun to live in a place like New York City when I was younger, but as your mayor, I’ll be the first to tell you that the excitement of the hustle and bustle really loses its charm. Just wait until you’re my age. You’ll see!

Riddle me this. Why would I want to live in some crappy one-bedroom, $1 million shoe box in New York City? For that price, why would you not just take a quick, easy, and clean train across the river and buy yourself a gorgeous mansion? It’s one hour away! Just one hour! That’s nothing!

Plus, the people! Everyone is so goddamn mean in New York City. And I should know. I talked to those assholes a lot before they elected me.

Seriously, as the mayor of New York City, you couldn’t pay me enough to live here. Not only is it dirty, but it’s just plain unsafe. The place is filthy, and crime is out of control! No way I’m walking around on my own at night, or going on the subway and getting mugged or shot.

But hey, that’s your problem, not mine. You waste your life in that hellhole. No, thank you!

Look. I was like you once, so I get it. You love your bodega guy. You love your bagel sandwich. You love the smell of hot garbage in the summer. But is it really worth it? Frankly, if I were you, I’d get the hell out of there on the first train I could.

And you know what? I did! And I have never once regretted it. So I’ll see you next week, New York City, when I take the train in for work!