2 / 15
One time, she went into the changing room at an Abercrombie & Fitch, and after a while, a seal came out dressed in the clothes she had been wearing, made eye contact with us, then went back in the changing room, and our sweetie came out. Although, who knows? There might have been a seal in there with her.
3 / 15
Every now and then, we catch her looking at her hands and saying “Man, these things are fucking nuts!”
4 / 15
There were several times we saw a seal in bed with us when we woke in the dawning morn in sheets sopping with seawater. In retrospect, that should have been a dead giveaway, but we just bit our lip and tried to ignore it.
5 / 15
When we were apartment hunting together, she kept suggesting we look at sea caves, even though they aren’t really a thing you can rent as far as we know.
6 / 15
It’s a small thing, but during our wedding, instead of a bouquet, she threw a fish behind her, and her bridesmaids went insane, barking and slapping at each other as they fought to devour it whole.
7 / 15
This one time, we ran into her ex, Tyler, at an aquarium. He was a southern elephant seal from the Falkland Islands. He mentioned a trip they took to the subantarctic together, which I thought was super inappropriate since that’s where guys like him go to breed, but she said it wasn’t like that. They just swam down there from Argentina to visit his parents.
8 / 15
Now that we think about it, she did mention on several occasions that she was a selkie with magical powers who could change her form from seal to maiden. But in my defense, we were usually pretty stoned when she said it.
9 / 15
Once, the Starbucks barista screamed out ‘Seal lady!’ when her mocha was ready, and she didn’t correct him.
10 / 15
Her name is Ursula, which, while not at all strange on its own, is pretty suspicious given all the other stuff going on.
11 / 15
We’re, like, 90% positive that when we left for a work trip, she said “Seal you real soon.”
12 / 15
When we took her to dinner to meet our parents, she spent the whole time gazing longingly at the ocean, which was sort of rude. It got especially awkward when her eyes lit up all blue and she started chanting something in Celtic, right in the middle of our dad telling us about how his chemo treatments were going.
13 / 15
One time we were at a dinner party, and she got upset that we made a little joke about how she’s constantly buying bulk clams from Costco. We both had a few drinks in us and things got a little heated.
14 / 15
She has the most unique smile we’ve ever seen. Luminous and contagious, with specially adapted interlocking teeth that act as a sieve to filter krill from the water. Some people are born without wisdom teeth, too, so we didn’t really think anything of it at the time.
15 / 15