The killing of a rare gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo to protect a child who climbed into its enclosure has reignited debate over whether wild animals should be kept in captivity. Here is the case for and against zoos:

FOR

  • Provides children an up-close, potentially life-changing encounter with major depressive disorder
  • Just a few hours at a zoo can spark a visitor’s lifelong fascination with Plexiglas
  • Already visited art museum last time parents were in town
  • Keeps snakes surrounded by walls
  • Cost of plush octopus at gift shop singlehandedly keeping local economy afloat
  • Ensures that baby rhinos continue to be named democratically
  • Dwindling populations of North American Dippin’ Dots vendors must be protected

AGAINST

  • Habitats fail to adequately mimic devastated environmental conditions animals experience in wild
  • Condones continued existence of caricature artists
  • Fucking peacocks everywhere
  • Probably for the best to have one fewer place where it acceptable to consume funnel cake
  • Surface around gorilla enclosures apparently very, very slippery
  • Despite repeated petitioning, tram driver refuses to open this baby up and see how fast it can fly
  • Could spread misleading idea that nonhuman creatures worthy of protection