The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability

Illustration for article titled The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.

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  • STEP 1: Pharmaceutical companies sense opportunity for Covid vaccine when millions of people get infected worldwide.
  • STEP 2: Normal four-year vaccine process expedited by assigning one researcher to constantly shout “Come on, come on, come on!”
  • STEP 3: Market researchers study what key consumer demographics are looking for in a vaccine.
  • STEP 4: Researchers go on Amazon to see if they sell some sort of little jars they can put vaccine in.
  • STEP 5: Pharmaceutical companies work alongside federal and state leaders to figure out how to effectively price-fix.
  • STEP 6: Months of lifesaving clinical trials invalidated by single hastily made conspiracy Facebook meme.
  • STEP 7: Solve intractable problem of how to get medicine to poor people.
  • STEP 8: Nation begins forming line outside Pfizer facility in Kalamazoo.
  • STEP 9: Insurance claim denied.
  • STEP 10: Big Pharma continues unblemished record of dispensing cures for betterment of all mankind.

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