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The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability

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Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.

  • STEP 1: Pharmaceutical companies sense opportunity for Covid vaccine when millions of people get infected worldwide.
  • STEP 2: Normal four-year vaccine process expedited by assigning one researcher to constantly shout “Come on, come on, come on!”
  • STEP 3: Market researchers study what key consumer demographics are looking for in a vaccine.
  • STEP 4: Researchers go on Amazon to see if they sell some sort of little jars they can put vaccine in.
  • STEP 5: Pharmaceutical companies work alongside federal and state leaders to figure out how to effectively price-fix.
  • STEP 6: Months of lifesaving clinical trials invalidated by single hastily made conspiracy Facebook meme.
  • STEP 7: Solve intractable problem of how to get medicine to poor people.
  • STEP 8: Nation begins forming line outside Pfizer facility in Kalamazoo.
  • STEP 9: Insurance claim denied.
  • STEP 10: Big Pharma continues unblemished record of dispensing cures for betterment of all mankind.