The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Your steak always tastes better when you’ve got a sworn statement from the animal authorizing the consumption of 12 ounces of its flesh.

Some people like the flavor, but ultimately it’s easier to grill without them.

Slather your grill, meat, and abdomen in your preferred oil of choice for a slippery, shiny grilling experience.

Grilling a still-living cow actually causes the cow to become agitated, which spoils the quality of the meat. You can save time by killing the cow while the grill heats up.

Giving it 24 hours under a mattress helps break in the meat and ensures it won’t be too tough.

Taste is actually 75% scent, which is why packing your nostrils with rock salt will help enhance the tasting experience. Don’t skimp now—fill them both up!

Warm cold steak in the microwave for at least 15-20 minutes.

The last think you want when eating a steak is getting some steak hair stuck in your teeth.

In order to ensure the meat is tender, drop your steak off at a Swedish massage parlor for a day of acupuncture, hot rocks, and shiatsu.

If the steak won’t grill at first, it could be an air filter issue. Switch out the steak’s air filter for a fresh one and you should be good to go.

A little squirt of lighter fluid goes a long way to give the meat that authentic grilled flavor.

Grilling a steak can get boring quick, so inject some excitement by constantly flipping the steak over every 10 seconds.

Necessary tool to determine whether the steak is feeling ill.

Nothing ruins a steak like the taste of charred prosthetics.

Doesn’t hurt to have your plan B waiting in the wings.

While grilling, spend time giving your steak reassuring words of encouragement so it has the confidence to cook properly.

Pick the appropriate brush size when painting on the perfect grill marks.

Or their dark, beautiful, inquiring eyes.

A single sizzling sound means your steak has been overcooked and is now inedible. Do not even feed it to a dog.

HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? IF YOU LEAVE IT ON EVEN A SECOND MORE IT’S GOING TO CHAR BEYOND PERFECTION. YOU ONLY HAVE MOMENTS TO GET THIS RIGHT AND THEY’RE PASSING YOU BY! JESUS, HURRY!

Enjoy your steak now, for your retribution will be severe, if not in this life then in the next.

The Food Lab author is the perfect compliment to any huge, juicy steak.