The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

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Get The Cow’s Consent

Your steak always tastes better when you’ve got a sworn statement from the animal authorizing the consumption of 12 ounces of its flesh.

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Remove Rat’s Nests From Grill

Some people like the flavor, but ultimately it’s easier to grill without them.

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Oil Up

Slather your grill, meat, and abdomen in your preferred oil of choice for a slippery, shiny grilling experience.

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Kill The Cow First

Grilling a still-living cow actually causes the cow to become agitated, which spoils the quality of the meat. You can save time by killing the cow while the grill heats up.

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Break In The Meat By Leaving It Under Your Mattress Overnight

Giving it 24 hours under a mattress helps break in the meat and ensures it won’t be too tough.

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Salt Your Nostrils

Taste is actually 75% scent, which is why packing your nostrils with rock salt will help enhance the tasting experience. Don’t skimp now—fill them both up!

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Bring The Meat To Room Temperature

Warm cold steak in the microwave for at least 15-20 minutes.

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Trim Off Any Excess Steak Hair

The last think you want when eating a steak is getting some steak hair stuck in your teeth.

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Treat Steak To A Luxury Three-Hour Massage

In order to ensure the meat is tender, drop your steak off at a Swedish massage parlor for a day of acupuncture, hot rocks, and shiatsu.

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Change The Air Filter

If the steak won’t grill at first, it could be an air filter issue. Switch out the steak’s air filter for a fresh one and you should be good to go.

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Season

A little squirt of lighter fluid goes a long way to give the meat that authentic grilled flavor.

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Flip Every 10 Seconds

Grilling a steak can get boring quick, so inject some excitement by constantly flipping the steak over every 10 seconds.

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Thermometer

Necessary tool to determine whether the steak is feeling ill.

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Make Sure Your Prosthetic Hands Are Screwed On Tight

Nothing ruins a steak like the taste of charred prosthetics.

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Boil A Hotdog

Doesn’t hurt to have your plan B waiting in the wings.

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Positive Reinforcement

While grilling, spend time giving your steak reassuring words of encouragement so it has the confidence to cook properly.

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Sear Marks

Pick the appropriate brush size when painting on the perfect grill marks.

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Try Not To Think About Cows’ Complex Social Relationships

Or their dark, beautiful, inquiring eyes.

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Hear That Sizzle?

A single sizzling sound means your steak has been overcooked and is now inedible. Do not even feed it to a dog.

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FLIP THE STEAK RIGHT NOW

HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? IF YOU LEAVE IT ON EVEN A SECOND MORE IT’S GOING TO CHAR BEYOND PERFECTION. YOU ONLY HAVE MOMENTS TO GET THIS RIGHT AND THEY’RE PASSING YOU BY! JESUS, HURRY!

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Make Peace With The Fact That You Have Killed The Goddess Prithvi

Enjoy your steak now, for your retribution will be severe, if not in this life then in the next.

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Finish With J. Kenji López-Alt

The Food Lab author is the perfect compliment to any huge, juicy steak.