The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

Illustration for article titled The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.

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DO: Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be.


DON’T: Eat any food that hasn’t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing machine.

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DO: Shop for groceries at an off-peak time, such as a month ago.


DON’T: Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive.

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DO: Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary, so they shouldn’t get used to spending quality time with you.

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DON’T: Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick’s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas.

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DO: Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as a friend, partner, and human.


DON’T: Think that this will be over anytime soon.

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