As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.
DO: Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be.
DON’T: Eat any food that hasn’t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing machine.
DO: Shop for groceries at an off-peak time, such as a month ago.
DON’T: Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive.
DO: Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary, so they shouldn’t get used to spending quality time with you.
DON’T: Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick’s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas.
DO: Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as a friend, partner, and human.
DON’T: Think that this will be over anytime soon.