Illustration for article titled The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.

DO: Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be.

DON’T: Eat any food that hasn’t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing machine.


DO: Shop for groceries at an off-peak time, such as a month ago.

DON’T: Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive.


DO: Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary, so they shouldn’t get used to spending quality time with you.


DON’T: Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick’s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas.


DO: Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as a friend, partner, and human.

DON’T: Think that this will be over anytime soon.


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