Watching the seasons change puts Smoove in a reflective state of mind. When Smoove becomes reflective, he begins to ponder the essential nature of romance. Many have noticed that my thoughts on this subject have become deeper over the years and, perhaps, more spiritual. Some have even gone so far as to call me the Dalai Lama of Love.
At this time I do not wish to confirm or deny my complete authority on all matters of seduction.
I do, however, wish to discuss how the four seasons can fundamentally alter one’s very groove. One must adapt to the sensual rhythms of each season, or else his game will suffer.
While a man of refined tastes such as Smoove may appreciate the highest quality silk shirts and Keith Sweat CDs, he must also appreciate the power of nature if he is to stoke the flame in a woman’s heart so that it threatens to burn out of control. Only an experienced love man can helicopter in, keep that fire contained, and use it to clear away any unwanted underbrush so that the woman’s heart can grow back stronger than ever before. It is then that she can be hit doggy style all night.
So let us examine the nature of the seasons closely and see how they can affect getting your swerve on. Cut this out and file it or put it on your fridge, as I will not share these thoughts again.
Autumn: a time to harvest all the sexy seeds you planted in the summer.
—You can dress real fine without sweating too much
—Ladies whose sexiness you’ve never noticed before suddenly dress sexy for Halloween
—Hard to inflame a woman’s passion with dishes made from squash
—Falling leaves can mess up your hair
—Thanksgiving week is a hard time for romance
Winter: a time to get cozy with the ladies and grind together for warmth.
—Longest nights of the year
—Ladies love getting freaked wild in front of a fireplace
—Smoove looks good in sweaters. Real good
—Ice on sidewalk can make it difficult to be smooth
—In the dry air, it is harder to keep your skin supple
Spring: a time for the frost to melt away, and for the ladies to melt with desire.
—Fine women with sexy new outfits they can’t wait to wear
—Grilled asparagus drives ladies wild
—Sudden spring showers can be the most erotic thing in the world
—Too many amateurs clogging up the game
—Sometimes during this season a woman wants a baby. Smoove’s baby
—Mud can mess up your finest gear to the point that it is no longer wearable
You may have noticed that I’ve skipped a season. That’s because summer is not a time for romance. I know this statement is bound to stir up controversy. “But Smoove,” people will say, “summer is very sexy. The women wear skimpy outfits, the heat drives them wild, and all of them want to sex you.”
For this very reason, summer is not about seduction. It is about busting a nut. That is all Smoove will say on this matter.*
Much of this deep reflection on the essential nature of love has only been possible because my one true girl has moved away to San Diego. Girl, if you are reading this column, I just want to say: I will always love you. Just say the word and I will be by your side, ready to cover your naked body with precious stones and intricately crafted bracelets.
That is my forever promise.
Also, I must ask that you change your Facebook setting to “private” so that I can no longer see the pictures of you enjoying a life without Smoove. It is very painful, but you know I cannot help myself. Do the right thing. Switch those settings, girl.
*In the season’s defense, summer is the time of year when the corn is at its very freshest.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, “The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.