Rather than speculate or entertain the lowly media’s wild theories regarding the future of marijuana, The Onion’s editorial board today released a definitive list of events that will, with near perfect certainty, occur when weed is legalized. Should pro-cannabis laws ever be passed on the federal level, America will forever be changed in the following five ways.
1. With legalized weed becoming easily accessible, glaucoma, the only disease keeping modern humanity blind enough to remain in check, will abruptly disappear. After just a few short years, formerly misty-eyed humans will develop so-called “super vision” so crisp, so clear, that the only option will be to ritually gouge out our own eyes to repent for our species’ past hubris. One day, mankind will look back and realize that keeping weed illegal was the only thing stopping us from spiraling out of control.
2. Should marijuana become normalized throughout society, the character “Shorty” from the 2000 film Scary Movie will no longer be regarded as a hilarious, goofy high school stoner, but as an accurate reflection of ourselves. In fact, in a world where Shorty’s papers, blunts, and bongs are simply commonplace, humanity risks being unable to laugh at even the character’s most climactic scene in which he gets rolled into a bed sheet and smoked by a giant weed monster.
3. Within the next five to 10 years, every child who is born in the United States of America will be federally mandated to have a single blunt surgically implanted into the frontal lobe of their brain. Although the “subdermal spliff” will not technically have any effect on humans whatsoever, each person will be required by law to keep it throughout their entire lives until the day they die, at which point their family will be allowed to remove it and smoke it at their funeral.
4. After spending billions lobbying Congress to loosen marijuana laws, the U.S. army will finally deploy the many long-range spliff missiles, skunky-ass ballistics, and 10-megaton ganja bombs they have been secretly developing for use in war. According to chemical warfare experts, should this technology become readily available, just a single hit from one of these powerful THC-based weapons will have the potential to fuck up entire villages and leave regions baked for decades with the dankest shit the world has ever seen.
5. While the following is hotly debated, The Onion and our veteran team of economists, scientists, and lobbyists firmly believe that once marijuana is legalized, people will begin smoking weed. In as few as 10 years after legalization, reports indicate that Americans might not just consume the drug once, but will also smoke it two or three times, even in places like concerts, parties, and their own homes. To many, however, this simply remains inconceivable.
Again, it is important to note that were marijuana to be legalized, the previous five events would happen almost immediately, ripping a hole through the space–time continuum and creating an irreversible vacuum between before and after, from which we could never return.
In closing, The Onion relishes the chance to rise from the wreckage that marijuana legalization will soon inevitably create. When chaos one day reigns down upon us and corporations are asked to step in, lobby Congress, and ultimately seize control of production, distribution, and regulation—we will be ready.
The Onion Editorial Board
Cannabis In America
Unpacking The Bowl