
The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.
The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.
In 1988, the Ku Klux Klan burned a giant cross at 150 degrees Fahrenheit, exceeding the state’s legal temperature limit by 30 degrees.
In 1989, serial killer Ernest Underwood attempted a murdering spree, driving over 200 miles without encountering a single victim.
In 1863, The Territory of Arizona was established on tribal lands.
In 2011, a public school was caught using funds for teachers’ salaries.
Crash wins Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain and Capote at the 78th Academy Awards.
JonBenét Ramsey gets killed in the Colorado State Pageant by over 30 points.
What happens behind closed doors is none of our business, darling.
With more corporations in Delaware than people, there is definitely nothing fishy going on there.
The wacky fan boat heist of 1931 and also the Challenger explosion.
The 1909 Savannah axe murders scandalized the entire state until it was revealed that the city’s Black community had nothing to do with them.
Hotels charged guests $14.95 for a little thing of dang macadamia nuts!
In 1936, a local farmer was arrested for massive potato fraud after selling hundreds of brown-painted rocks at market.
In 2008, Rod Blagojevich was convicted of fraud relating to filling the newly elected President Obama’s senate seat for too low of a price.
In 1936, an Indianapolis man murdered his wife and eight others in what investors suspect was a cathartic afternoon.
Due to their lack of infamous crimes, the state of Iowa claimed responsibility for 9/11 in an effort to boost their state’s national recognition.
Mark Ellsworth, a local real estate developer, was arrested for breaking a Kansas law that states no structure shall stand higher than a stalk of corn.
Champion thoroughbred Seabiscuit was always suspected but never charged with throwing several high-profile horse races.
Many would say it’s a crime that Saints quarterback Drew Brees has only won just one championship during his illustrious career.
Most of the state was stolen from Canada without anyone noticing.
In 2015, your boyfriend said that the city of Baltimore itself was a character on The Wire.
Massachusetts residents will never forgive notorious gangster Whitey Bulger for inspiring the mediocre crime movie Black Mass.
Someone from Royal Oak claimed they were from Detroit.
Freaking refs got bought out by the Packers or something.
They say old man Hicks went funny back in ’83, put his whole family in the thresher one by one, but he don’t talk much and we don’t ask him.
Nicknamed the “Show Me State,” the entire state appears to be admitting to something gross.
Oil magnate Harold Hamm was arrested in Glacier National Park for hunting humans without a license.
It involved a man and a cow. Do you really want to know more?
With its 164,000 slot machines, Nevada boasts the largest amount of elder abuse in the United States.
In 1861, serial killer H.H. Holmes was born in Gilmanton, and would go on to murder over 20,000 after adjusting for inflation.
It just fell out of the back of a truck, whaddya want?
In a horrific rights violation, three unidentified individuals have been held captive near Roswell since 1947.
Check the source material for some of the weirder SVU episodes.
In 1789, 14-year-old farmer Huck Spivey obtained a fake ID to purchase an entire tobacco plantation.
Frankly, the fact that North and South Dakota are both states is a crime against the rest of the country.
On one hand, the Kent State Massacre was one of the worst acts committed by the U.S. against its own citizens, but on the plus side, it did inspire a pretty great song by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
In one of the most reprehensible acts in America history, Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh ran a stop sign on his way to bomb the Alfred P. Murrah federal building.
There was that whole thing about Sundown towns, but we don’t like to talk about that.
Philadelphia resident Linda Stoudemire settled out of court after pretending to slip and fall inside a Wawa.
In 1984, thousands of termites were placed under arrest for destroying the foundation of one of the Newport Mansions.
The entire state has been in an uproar since 1991 when Mrs. Carson’s hog Violet was robbed of first place at the county fair.
A still unsolved heist saw several thieves successfully make off with the 5,000-foot-tall stone monolith of John Adams that used to be affixed to Mount Rushmore.
In 1970, Elvis Presley perpetuated the biggest fraud in the United States up to that point when he met President Richard Nixon and pretended not to be into drugs.
On March 2nd, 1978, for a brief moment, Fort Worth resident Betsy Granger forgot the Alamo.
Twelve women were found murdered in a crime officials emphasized happens lots of places and had nothing to do with polygamy.
On January 18th, 1982, the unsuccessful hijacking of a syrup truck left 2 dead and 16 sticky.
Man, remember that one time when there were Nazis everywhere? That was pretty bad.
Notorious Washington serial killer Ted Bundy shocked and disgusted the nation when he opted to attend the 1968 Republican National Convention as a Rockefeller delegate rather than as a Nixon delegate.
Hitchhiker forced Walmart trucker David Strauss to drive all the way to California and didn’t even once pitch in for gas before killing him.
Gary’s wife forced him to go on a low-carb diet, and that just ain’t right.
Throughout the winter of 1990, the infamous Ski-Lift Shover allegedly pushed nearly 10,000 people off of resort ski lifts.