The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.
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In 1988, the Ku Klux Klan burned a giant cross at 150 degrees Fahrenheit, exceeding the state’s legal temperature limit by 30 degrees.
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In 1989, serial killer Ernest Underwood attempted a murdering spree, driving over 200 miles without encountering a single victim.
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In 1863, The Territory of Arizona was established on tribal lands.
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In 2011, a public school was caught using funds for teachers’ salaries.
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Crash wins Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain and Capote at the 78th Academy Awards.
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JonBenét Ramsey gets killed in the Colorado State Pageant by over 30 points.
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What happens behind closed doors is none of our business, darling.
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With more corporations in Delaware than people, there is definitely nothing fishy going on there.
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The wacky fan boat heist of 1931 and also the Challenger explosion.
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The 1909 Savannah axe murders scandalized the entire state until it was revealed that the city’s Black community had nothing to do with them.
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Hotels charged guests $14.95 for a little thing of dang macadamia nuts!
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In 1936, a local farmer was arrested for massive potato fraud after selling hundreds of brown-painted rocks at market.
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In 2008, Rod Blagojevich was convicted of fraud relating to filling the newly elected President Obama’s senate seat for too low of a price.
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In 1936, an Indianapolis man murdered his wife and eight others in what investors suspect was a cathartic afternoon.
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Due to their lack of infamous crimes, the state of Iowa claimed responsibility for 9/11 in an effort to boost their state’s national recognition.
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Mark Ellsworth, a local real estate developer, was arrested for breaking a Kansas law that states no structure shall stand higher than a stalk of corn.
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Champion thoroughbred Seabiscuit was always suspected but never charged with throwing several high-profile horse races.
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Many would say it’s a crime that Saints quarterback Drew Brees has only won just one championship during his illustrious career.
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Most of the state was stolen from Canada without anyone noticing.
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In 2015, your boyfriend said that the city of Baltimore itself was a character on The Wire.
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Massachusetts residents will never forgive notorious gangster Whitey Bulger for inspiring the mediocre crime movie Black Mass.
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Someone from Royal Oak claimed they were from Detroit.
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Freaking refs got bought out by the Packers or something.
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They say old man Hicks went funny back in ’83, put his whole family in the thresher one by one, but he don’t talk much and we don’t ask him.
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Nicknamed the “Show Me State,” the entire state appears to be admitting to something gross.
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Oil magnate Harold Hamm was arrested in Glacier National Park for hunting humans without a license.
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It involved a man and a cow. Do you really want to know more?
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With its 164,000 slot machines, Nevada boasts the largest amount of elder abuse in the United States.
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In 1861, serial killer H.H. Holmes was born in Gilmanton, and would go on to murder over 20,000 after adjusting for inflation.
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It just fell out of the back of a truck, whaddya want?
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In a horrific rights violation, three unidentified individuals have been held captive near Roswell since 1947.
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Check the source material for some of the weirder SVU episodes.
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In 1789, 14-year-old farmer Huck Spivey obtained a fake ID to purchase an entire tobacco plantation.
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Frankly, the fact that North and South Dakota are both states is a crime against the rest of the country.
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On one hand, the Kent State Massacre was one of the worst acts committed by the U.S. against its own citizens, but on the plus side, it did inspire a pretty great song by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
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In one of the most reprehensible acts in America history, Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh ran a stop sign on his way to bomb the Alfred P. Murrah federal building.
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There was that whole thing about Sundown towns, but we don’t like to talk about that.
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Philadelphia resident Linda Stoudemire settled out of court after pretending to slip and fall inside a Wawa.
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In 1984, thousands of termites were placed under arrest for destroying the foundation of one of the Newport Mansions.
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The entire state has been in an uproar since 1991 when Mrs. Carson’s hog Violet was robbed of first place at the county fair.
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A still unsolved heist saw several thieves successfully make off with the 5,000-foot-tall stone monolith of John Adams that used to be affixed to Mount Rushmore.
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In 1970, Elvis Presley perpetuated the biggest fraud in the United States up to that point when he met President Richard Nixon and pretended not to be into drugs.
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On March 2nd, 1978, for a brief moment, Fort Worth resident Betsy Granger forgot the Alamo.
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Twelve women were found murdered in a crime officials emphasized happens lots of places and had nothing to do with polygamy.
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On January 18th, 1982, the unsuccessful hijacking of a syrup truck left 2 dead and 16 sticky.
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Man, remember that one time when there were Nazis everywhere? That was pretty bad.
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Notorious Washington serial killer Ted Bundy shocked and disgusted the nation when he opted to attend the 1968 Republican National Convention as a Rockefeller delegate rather than as a Nixon delegate.
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Hitchhiker forced Walmart trucker David Strauss to drive all the way to California and didn’t even once pitch in for gas before killing him.
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Gary’s wife forced him to go on a low-carb diet, and that just ain’t right.
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Throughout the winter of 1990, the infamous Ski-Lift Shover allegedly pushed nearly 10,000 people off of resort ski lifts.
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