The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State

The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.

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Alabama

In 1988, the Ku Klux Klan burned a giant cross at 150 degrees Fahrenheit, exceeding the state’s legal temperature limit by 30 degrees.

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Alaska

In 1989, serial killer Ernest Underwood attempted a murdering spree, driving over 200 miles without encountering a single victim.

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Arizona

In 1863, The Territory of Arizona was established on tribal lands.

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Arkansas

In 2011, a public school was caught using funds for teachers’ salaries.

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California

Crash wins Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain and Capote at the 78th Academy Awards.

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Colorado

JonBenét Ramsey gets killed in the Colorado State Pageant by over 30 points.

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Connecticut

What happens behind closed doors is none of our business, darling.

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Delaware

With more corporations in Delaware than people, there is definitely nothing fishy going on there.

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Florida

The wacky fan boat heist of 1931 and also the Challenger explosion.

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Georgia

The 1909 Savannah axe murders scandalized the entire state until it was revealed that the city’s Black community had nothing to do with them.

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Hawaii

Hotels charged guests $14.95 for a little thing of dang macadamia nuts!

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Idaho

In 1936, a local farmer was arrested for massive potato fraud after selling hundreds of brown-painted rocks at market.

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Illinois

In 2008, Rod Blagojevich was convicted of fraud relating to filling the newly elected President Obama’s senate seat for too low of a price.

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Indiana

In 1936, an Indianapolis man murdered his wife and eight others in what investors suspect was a cathartic afternoon.

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Iowa

Due to their lack of infamous crimes, the state of Iowa claimed responsibility for 9/11 in an effort to boost their state’s national recognition.

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Kansas

Mark Ellsworth, a local real estate developer, was arrested for breaking a Kansas law that states no structure shall stand higher than a stalk of corn.

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Kentucky

Champion thoroughbred Seabiscuit was always suspected but never charged with throwing several high-profile horse races.

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Louisiana

Many would say it’s a crime that Saints quarterback Drew Brees has only won just one championship during his illustrious career.

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Maine

Most of the state was stolen from Canada without anyone noticing.

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Maryland

In 2015, your boyfriend said that the city of Baltimore itself was a character on The Wire.

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Massachusetts

Massachusetts residents will never forgive notorious gangster Whitey Bulger for inspiring the mediocre crime movie Black Mass.

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Michigan

Someone from Royal Oak claimed they were from Detroit.

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Minnesota

Freaking refs got bought out by the Packers or something.

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Mississippi

They say old man Hicks went funny back in ’83, put his whole family in the thresher one by one, but he don’t talk much and we don’t ask him.

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Missouri

Nicknamed the “Show Me State,” the entire state appears to be admitting to something gross.

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Montana

Oil magnate Harold Hamm was arrested in Glacier National Park for hunting humans without a license.

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Nebraska

It involved a man and a cow. Do you really want to know more?

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Nevada

With its 164,000 slot machines, Nevada boasts the largest amount of elder abuse in the United States.

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New Hampshire

In 1861, serial killer H.H. Holmes was born in Gilmanton, and would go on to murder over 20,000 after adjusting for inflation.

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New Jersey

It just fell out of the back of a truck, whaddya want?

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New Mexico

In a horrific rights violation, three unidentified individuals have been held captive near Roswell since 1947.

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New York

Check the source material for some of the weirder SVU episodes.

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North Carolina

In 1789, 14-year-old farmer Huck Spivey obtained a fake ID to purchase an entire tobacco plantation.

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North Dakota

Frankly, the fact that North and South Dakota are both states is a crime against the rest of the country.

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Ohio

On one hand, the Kent State Massacre was one of the worst acts committed by the U.S. against its own citizens, but on the plus side, it did inspire a pretty great song by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.

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Oklahoma

In one of the most reprehensible acts in America history, Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh ran a stop sign on his way to bomb the Alfred P. Murrah federal building.

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Oregon

There was that whole thing about Sundown towns, but we don’t like to talk about that.

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Pennsylvania

Philadelphia resident Linda Stoudemire settled out of court after pretending to slip and fall inside a Wawa.

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Rhode Island

In 1984, thousands of termites were placed under arrest for destroying the foundation of one of the Newport Mansions.

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South Carolina

The entire state has been in an uproar since 1991 when Mrs. Carson’s hog Violet was robbed of first place at the county fair.

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South Dakota

A still unsolved heist saw several thieves successfully make off with the 5,000-foot-tall stone monolith of John Adams that used to be affixed to Mount Rushmore.

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Tennessee

In 1970, Elvis Presley perpetuated the biggest fraud in the United States up to that point when he met President Richard Nixon and pretended not to be into drugs.

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Texas

On March 2nd, 1978, for a brief moment, Fort Worth resident Betsy Granger forgot the Alamo.

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Utah

Twelve women were found murdered in a crime officials emphasized happens lots of places and had nothing to do with polygamy.

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Vermont

On January 18th, 1982, the unsuccessful hijacking of a syrup truck left 2 dead and 16 sticky.

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Virginia

Man, remember that one time when there were Nazis everywhere? That was pretty bad.

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Washington

Notorious Washington serial killer Ted Bundy shocked and disgusted the nation when he opted to attend the 1968 Republican National Convention as a Rockefeller delegate rather than as a Nixon delegate.

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West Virginia

Hitchhiker forced Walmart trucker David Strauss to drive all the way to California and didn’t even once pitch in for gas before killing him.

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Wisconsin

Gary’s wife forced him to go on a low-carb diet, and that just ain’t right.

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Wyoming

Throughout the winter of 1990, the infamous Ski-Lift Shover allegedly pushed nearly 10,000 people off of resort ski lifts.